What To Eat When Your Cupboards are Empty

Ever come home after drinking heavily, stumble over some shoes, step on the cat a few times, and fall into the refrigerator? You know you want something to eat, but in your alcohol induced stupor your brain can’t quite relay the message to the rest of your brain. So, you slobber on yourself while pawing at the fridge door much like a small child paws at his mother’s breast. Finally you manage to control your body long enough to wrench open the door and you stare stupidly at the interior lightbulb for ten long seconds……… . . . . until you remember that you wanted something to eat. You clumsily touch everything on the first two shelves whether or not you want to eat it while making low guttural grunts of wanton desire. Then you find the cheese slices and have three of those. But you aren’t satisfied. What you really want, you haven’t had in quite some time. TESTICLES! (that long intro was just an extended segue to the real point of this post)

Woman jailed for testicle attack!

Manda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.

She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: “That’s yours.”

Monti admitted wounding and was jailed for two-and-a-half years.

‘Pulled hard’

Sentencing Monti, Judge Charles James said it was “a very serious injury” and that Monti was not acting in self defence.

The court heard that Mr Jones had ended his long-term but “open relationship” with Monti towards the end of May last year.

The pair remained on good terms and on 30 May she picked him up from a party in Crosby and went back for drinks with friends at Mr Jones’s house.

An argument ensued and Mr Jones said there was a struggle between them.

In his statement, Mr Jones said she grabbed his genitals and “pulled hard”.

He added: “That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain.”

The court heard that a friend saw Monti put Mr Jones’s testicle into her mouth and try to swallow it.

She choked and spat it back into her hand before the friend grabbed it and gave it back to Mr Jones. Doctors were unable to re-attach the organ.

In a letter to the court, Monti said she was sorry for what she had done.

She said: “It was never my intention to cause harm to Geoff and the fact that I have caused him injury will live with me forever. I am in no way a violent person.”

The letter added: “I have challenged myself to explain what has happened but still I just cannot remember. This has caused much anguish to me and will do for the rest of my life.”

There are several things about this article that disturb me. I will start off with the most obvious, that of her failing to actually eat the testicle. If I ever am enraged to the point of physically separating a man from his testicle, you bet your life I’ll eat it. In fact, I’d chew with my mouth open!

Now the one thing I can appreciate in this story is the humor of the ‘friend’ who handed back the testicle to Mr. Jones. How do you do that, “Hey man here’s your ball,” or “I found your nut,” or do you simply brush the dirt off of the testicle and hand it back to it’s rightful owner?

I guess the moral of the story is, if you ever are going to physically alter someone, be sure to do it without witnesses. And be sure the person doesn’t live to tell someone else.

I would have eaten the testicle with overwhelming glee.