It occurred to me that while there have been some posts recently of some Beverly Hills 90210 graduates over at Retard Media, there must be a decent post about the Beverly Hills 90210, Where Are They Now sort of post or story. Sadly I didn’t see something worthy of just copying, so instead Retard Zone decided to make our own.This really isn’t something new, this is more like a copy of every other follow up story to TV show actors that just seem to sort of fade away. Enjoy this trip down memory lane in Beverly Hills while each actor is graded using our very stringent and unbending Retard Factor.
Brian Austin Green:
As Beverly Hills High’s school DJ, David Silver, Brian
Austin Green (BAG) didn’t stray too far from his real life interests. Assuming that Aaron Spelling knew ahead of time that Green couldn’t act, so he decided to just let Green play himself on TV. In 1996, Green released a rap album, “One Stop Carnival,” which proved he couldn’t rap and had no musical ability. He also continued to dabble in TV, co-starring on Freddie Prinze Jr.’s show, Freddie, before the sitcom was canceled. So while Green can’t act, can’t rap, and can’t find a successful TV or movie or music career, he’s bagged some serious hotties. The two top of his list are Vanessa Marcil (whom he created a non-mutant child with) and now is engaged to Megan Fox. Damn, BAG, you seriously land the hot chicks.
Once known as Beverly Hills High’s slut (rumor), Jennie Garth showed range by playing Kelly Taylor who was involved in a love triangle between Dylan McKay (Luke Perry) and Brandon Walsh (Jason Priestly), became a diet pill abuser, was trapped in a fire, became involved in a cult, used cocaine, was raped, shot, got amnesia and had a miscarriage. Unlike her character, Garth initially dropped out of high school (later getting a diploma, though possibly through non-standard means). After 90210 there was a short gig in the sitcom What I Like About You. Of course Garth was very attractive at one point, ranking as high as #59 on FHM 100 Sexiest Women of 2000 (dropping to #93 in 2001 and off the list after that). The last part of Garth’s on-air life ended recently, when she was kicked off of Dancing With The Stars. Though she has other projects in development, there will never be another Kelly Taylor role for this aging actress.
Dylan McKay was hero to many school-aged boys. He was romantically linked to Brenda, Kelly, Valeri, Antonia, and Gina. Of course, this was just the tip of the McKay surface as his character had a hippie mother, embezzling father, prostitute sister, and probably some inbreeding. McKay started as an alcoholic but wound up as a heroin user, ya, sounds like he actually was modeled after Charlie Sheen’s life. Perry had a little career going for a bit, being on Buffy The Vampire Slayer (when Sara Michelle Gellar was still hot), having a cameo in The Fifth Element, playing a reverend in HBO’s Oz, getting voice over work in The Simpsons and Family Guy, and finally playing gay characters on Spin City and Will and Grace. Recently Perry was in John from Cincinnati but does not seem to have any media plans in the near future.
Everyone initially liked Shannen Doherty as Brenda Walsh, the twin sister of Brandon and general good girl. Later Brenda becomes the rebellious and devilish Walsh family member. After lots of fun including being robbed at gunpoint, scares of breast cancer and pregnancy, and arrests for breaking and entering, Brenda sort of faded out. The rumor is that Doherty is a royal beotch and didn’t get along with her co-stars or Spelling (try not to annoy your boss Shannen). Doherty is a fighter though, she has appeared in well known shows and movies including Mallrats, Charmed, North Shore, and some shows on the Oxygen network (whatever that is). Doherty has had her future jobs slowly dwindle with only two things scheduled to appear in the future.
When Brandon Walsh first entered Beverly Hills, it was like a dream come true for the eldest Walsh child. He quickly became interested in all that Beverly Hills has to offer: women, men, journalism, acting, waiting tables, and heartbreak. Oh ya, his best friend was an alcoholic and heroin user, his sister a slut, his parents had marital issues, he waited tables for money and got into slight trouble that rich friends were able to get him out of. After 90210, Priestly continued being in TV shows, movies, TV movies, and transitioned from actor to director/actor. Some of the more well known shows include Tru Calling (Eliza Dushku is hot), Medium, and Side Order of Life. Today you can find Priestly at a Starbucks with other actors, he’s on a laptop writing his life story.
Of course Donna Martin had a great gig, her real life character was the daughter of the show’s creator, producer, writer, director, and eventual ender. Donna started the show as a timid and quiet girl but soon grew chest squishies (can you say augmentation?) and an attitude. She chased after David Silver on the show and some guess that it was only Aaron’s wanting Tori to be with a normal guy that gave BAG the chance he had to be on 90210. Tori has worked in some junk shows since 90210 but has also insulted her family’s reputation by being candid about her family (like her’s is the only disfunctional family) and having a faux reality show (that was more real than fake) and finally by spending valuable time becoming an ordained minister via the Internet. Tori’s recent claim to fame is marrying five same sex couples. Oh Tori, your dad is ashamed of you as much now that he’s dead as when he was alive.
When you start life with your father admitting that you are a mistake (he has two 10+ year older brothers) everything else is downhill. Steve Sanders was the adopted son of TV star Samantha and Rush. Rush winds up being his biological father which might be more like reality than fiction. Steve takes steroids (pre-Barry Bonds, copycat), gets involved with a transgender model, becomes a magazine editor, had a daughter, and actually lasted on the show all 10 seasons. Hoo-rah! Ziering has actually been more of a somebody than the rest of the 90210 cast as he has starred and directed a short film (making Priestly jealous), was on Dancing With The Stars (before Garth), had a parent pass away 10 years ago (Tori followed that 9 years later), married a hottie and left her (instead of having her leave him, Brian), and has been in TV shows and movies.
Andrew Zuckerman had affectionate feelings for Brandon but nothing much happened there. She became pregnant on the show and pretty much was a filler on the show as nothing major happened to this newspaper editor dweeb. In real life the high points of celebrity life eluded Carteris like talent eluded Brian Austin Green. Trying to be a true player in the industry and showing her commitment to give up any chance of regaining a career she appeared in the first year of The Surreal Life.
Valerie Malone was sociopathic, a pathological liar, a murdered, and a bad girl that slept with enough people she could be the original Paris Hilton. Pre-90210 Tiffany was in Saved By The Bell and looked great by the time she was legal. Other than that she has shown her chest squishies in some pictures and gotten more recognition from the Internet for pictures than from TV or movies. As for the future, have you heard of the movie.. umm.. never mind, guess nothing is in the works. Time for Tiffany to hook up with Heff and the girls.