Madonna’s 11 year old daughter Lourdes made a rare public appearance prompting biologists to scramble to classify what species she belongs to. Celebrities have a long track record of adopting orphan children and having bizarre pets, Madonna appears to have combined both trends by adopting what some believe may be Gigantopithecus Canadensis.
Lourdes Maria Ciccone Leon
Here are just some of the possible explanations for Lourdes…
Adopted Missing Link
Still other biologist disagree and believe the adoptee may indeed by the holy grail of evolution, the missing link. This could fall inline with Madonna’s religious phase which happened around the time of her adoption. There are those out there who cling to the belief that this was Madonna’s birth daughter but scientists dismiss this allegation with one simple question. Is there any documented evidence of Madonna actually being pregnant with Lourdes?
Offspring from Celebrity Affair with Chewbacca
Madonna dated Dennis Rodman, so who’s to say she wouldn’t go after another less than attractive celebrity. Madonna is widely believed to be Star Wars fan having been an impressionable teen around the time when George Lucas was making films that didn’t completely suck. Celebrities do a lot of drugs and do sleep around a lot so it’s not totally out of the question that Madonna could have had an affair with Han Solo’s faithful sidekick.
Adopted Orphan Bigfoot Child
Celebrities are always trying to find orphans for some reason, why wouldn’t Madonna want to take home some cuddly bigfoot baby on one of her many travels to the third world. There are many scientists who recognize the telltale physical characteristics of Gigantopithecus Canadensis, the scientific name for Sasquatch.
She’s Just Italian
No pun intended – Occam’s razor (sometimes spelled Ockham’s razor) is a principle attributed to the 14th-century English logician and Franciscan friar William of Ockham. The principle states that the explanation of any phenomenon should make as few assumptions as possible, eliminating those that make no difference in the observable predictions of the explanatory hypothesis or theory. This is often paraphrased as “All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best.” In other words, Madonna is Italian so Lourdes could just be another hairy Italian female.
Alternate Universe Lourdes
Somewhere in an evil parallel universe Madonna’s real daughter is struggling to adjust while the evil Lourdes is set to inherit millions and destroy the planet earth with some evil plan for world domination.
Circus Freak Career
Most celebrities grow up unemployed and without a career, if Madonna’s kid is a circus freak she will have a fallback career. Her mother can’t act and mom could just have implanted hair onto her kids face to give Lourdes a fallback career once she fails as a singer – can anyone remember John Lennon’s kid trying to sing? Eesh.
Whatever the is about Lourdes one thing is mysterious and has no logical explanation: why would a celebrity surrounded by gay men not know one hairstylist that could just wax that off?
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