A retard’s guide to Switzerland

Like most retards, there’s not a lot of extra money floating around in my family’s non-forking family tree. The only time the word “trust” is mentioned is in regards to how my sister doesn’t “trust” the men in the family after the really awkward shower mix up (a third time). So with money tighter than Oprah’s kitten trapped underneath her couch cushion, here’s a retard’s guide to Switzerland.

Switzerland’s two most famous exports: Chocolate and Overly-Complicated Knives - combined in one tasty treat.

When you have decided you want to make the journey to Switzerland, because apparently the chocolate at the local gourmet pastry shop isn’t cutting it for you, the first thing you should think about is how to get there and where to stay. There are lots of sites that can help you, depending where you are going. The retard’s recommendation is to go and stay at Geneva Hotels. See, Geneva is second most crowded city in Switzerland, so there’s less annoying French people there to irritate you than there is at Zürich. And when you are traveling abroad (or with a broad) you don’t need annoying locals ruining your visit.

Swiss Arms Exercise 2008: Thousands of Swiss prepare to surrender in mass.

When you have booked your hotel and flight and stuff, you should then try to think about what goods you will be able to sneak back. If you are able to lie through your teeth like your parents when they told you they wanted you, you could just walk through customs saying you don’t declare anything. Though if you get caught the upside is that there’s a great rubber gloved man ready check your backside for hidden goodies.

There are cheaper ways to stay in Geneva, but we wouldn’t recommend them.

So now you have your list of exportable goods, plans on going, and a reason. The next question would be why.

Some things are off limits in Geneva - read more to avoid being captured.

Here are some useless facts about Switzerland:

Switzerland has a crappy and unknown football team (the Servette FC).

It’s bordered by Germany, France, Italy, Austria, and Liechtenstein (which sounds like a Jewish accountant to me).

The Swiss have you, yourself, organize a going away party (une verree).

Their child’s name must be on an approved list. Swiss parents do not have the freedom to name a kid “Moonunit”. Resident foreigners can be exempted from this rule, but you must obtain an official statement from an embassy that attests that the name is acceptable in the other country.

The pharmacies sell maple syrup.

When driving, you cannot turn right on a red.

The apartments don’t have smoke detectors.

Stores close for long lunches (like from noon until 3pm).

If you choose to have a TV or radio you need to pay a monthly tax.

Traffic lights turn green to yellow before red and red to yellow before green (the yellow light never appears by itself).

And often you need to pay for tap water at restaurants.

So take the advice that I give and don’t bother going to Switzerland, just stay home and download pictures of the Swiss girls, you’ll thank me later.

If worse comes to worse you can always unfold some weapons and try to fight your way to the border…