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A retard’s guide to Switzerland

SwitzerlandLike most retards, there’s not a lot of extra money floating around in my family’s non-forking family tree. The only time the word “trust” is mentioned is in regards to how my sister doesn’t “trust” the men in the family after the really awkward shower mix up (a third time). So with money tighter than Oprah’s kitten trapped underneath her couch cushion, here’s a retard’s guide to Switzerland.

Swiss Chocolate
Switzerland’s two most famous exports: Chocolate and Overly-Complicated Knives – combined in one tasty treat.

When you have decided you want to make the journey to Switzerland, because apparently the chocolate at the local gourmet pastry shop isn’t cutting it for you, the first thing you should think about is how to get there and where to stay. There are lots of sites that can help you, depending where you are going. The retard’s recommendation is to go and stay at Geneva Hotels. See, Geneva is second most crowded city in Switzerland, so there’s less annoying French people there to irritate you than there is at Z├╝rich. And when you are traveling abroad (or with a broad) you don’t need annoying locals ruining your visit.

Swiss Surrender
Swiss Arms Exercise 2008: Thousands of Swiss prepare to surrender in mass.

When you have booked your hotel and flight and stuff, you should then try to think about what goods you will be able to sneak back. If you are able to lie through your teeth like your parents when they told you they wanted you, you could just walk through customs saying you don’t declare anything. Though if you get caught the upside is that there’s a great rubber gloved man ready check your backside for hidden goodies.

Swiss Cheap
There are cheaper ways to stay in Geneva, but we wouldn’t recommend them.

So now you have your list of exportable goods, plans on going, and a reason. The next question would be why.

Swiss Police
Some things are off limits in Geneva – read more to avoid being captured.

Here are some useless facts about Switzerland:

Switzerland has a crappy and unknown football team (the Servette FC).

It’s bordered by Germany, France, Italy, Austria, and Liechtenstein (which sounds like a Jewish accountant to me).

The Swiss have you, yourself, organize a going away party (une verree).

Their child’s name must be on an approved list. Swiss parents do not have the freedom to name a kid “Moonunit”. Resident foreigners can be exempted from this rule, but you must obtain an official statement from an embassy that attests that the name is acceptable in the other country.

The pharmacies sell maple syrup.

When driving, you cannot turn right on a red.

The apartments don’t have smoke detectors.

Stores close for long lunches (like from noon until 3pm).

If you choose to have a TV or radio you need to pay a monthly tax.

Traffic lights turn green to yellow before red and red to yellow before green (the yellow light never appears by itself).

And often you need to pay for tap water at restaurants.

So take the advice that I give and don’t bother going to Switzerland, just stay home and download pictures of the Swiss girls, you’ll thank me later.

Swiss Girls

If worse comes to worse you can always unfold some weapons and try to fight your way to the border…
Swiss Knife

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Posted By: Michael Sharpe

News Category: Review


4 Responses to “A retard’s guide to Switzerland”

  1. **** off you ****ing ****, check your info is right before trying to make pathetic jokes about us. French? im sorry mate but in zurich you’ll find german you’ll be very lucky if the french language bugs you in zurich. anyways french is much nicer than ****ish english twats who think their language should rule the world. Oh yeah and the swiss team is the swiss team its not ****in servette thats the geneva team twat.

    john on 09 Jul 2009 at 3:25 am
  2. John… you need to relax. Most of the Swiss are pretty cool folks, but you, my friend, need to hop a train to Amsterdam and smoke a bowl.

    Relax, Killer, it’s a joke… Lighten up.

    TJ on 07 Dec 2009 at 7:24 am
  3. Hey …I’ll stand up for Switzerland! I’ve been there, mostly on business (with extensions for holiday) around 20 times and I’ve been to many many other places around the world. Switzerland remains my absolute favorite place to visit and I found the people to be very hospitable. And yes, I even know that there are FOUR languages (at least) spoken in Switzerland, not counting the English that students are required to learn: German, French, Italian, and Romansh (or Romansch …the way I learned it was spelled). Great place! Great country! Always and forever worth visiting (or staying!).

    Joe on 20 Apr 2010 at 8:45 pm
  4. Lighten Up in Switzerland?….. Haha good one.

    1. Only lightening up is the Grey emulsion you can paint on your prison room wall.

    2. The constant staring like your something that just stepped out a petri dish.

    3. The never do anything wrong mentality which is about as special as a desolate rabid dog ****ter in a desert.

    4. If your over the age of 25 don’t bother in any social or human activities sir, I’m sorry mate but you’ve had it.

    5. The Women have hair all kinds of places, seriously my St Bernard has less hair in a malting season.

    6. Oh again did I mention the women are Ugly?, yeah you can put that one down again,

    Be especially warned around the Swiss German part they’ve done away with the Human aspect of life and gone all out and had the Uni Sex test tube baby brought in, Sponsored by Roche joking aside I’m totally serious.

    Soo if your Interested in moving to Switzerland and waisting your life from the everyday living point of view of the real world or maybe you want to commit suicide ? or hide some blood money or even better not pay your taxes this is the ****hole for you sir!, you will find no better efficient, respectable **** hole whilst you still have a pulse on earth.

    Remember Foreigners aren’t allowed secrets UNLESS, your bank account is over the 20 Million CHF then you fall under another standard.

    Thank you from your friendly Swiss Tourist Information Centre !

    Hanz Hardon on 18 Aug 2010 at 7:36 am

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