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Bring the Olympics to your home town

Most popular suicide destinations The Olympics won’t be coming to your home town without a billion dollar budget, millions in bribes and kickbacks and recently it requires a suppressive communist government. Don’t let that or a lack of international level athletic talent stop you from competing your home town’s very first Olympic games.

100 meter100 Meter Run

Measure out something like 100 meters (approximately a football fieldish) and pick something to run against preferably something faster than you that will inspire you to run faster like a train, bus, or riding lawnmower.

Urban OlympicsLong Jump

Look for something that won’t kill you after landing (like a pile of soft trash or some construction gravel) take a running leap and try to jump as far as you can without injuring yourself.

Urban OlympicsShot Put

With Olympic rules each competitor receives a certain number of throws which you might not get if you are using fruits from a grocery – so make your first throw count. A competition level shot weighs about 16 pounds so to make your throw official look for a heavy fruit like Harvey Firestone.

Urban OlympicsHigh Jump

The challenge in this event is to find something that you know for sure you can clear, or something that won’t kill you if you hit the obstacle. Brick walls, fences with razor wire, and electrified fences should all be second choices.

Urban Olympics400 Meter Run

The 400 meter run is the last event of the first day, so you will have a full night’s rest so go all out on this one. Running in traffic should cut two seconds off your time, or get you killed.

Urban Olympics110 Meter Hurdles

Look for 10 evenly spaced obstacles approximately 1.067 meters (3.5 ft) in height. Construction signs should be suitable – but try to jump opposite to the side of that little light usually on the left.

Urban OlympicsDiscus

A freeway shoulder is the perfect place to find a nice throwing area marked out as well as a ready supply of hubcaps which are not official olympic sized they are close enough and much cheaper. All of these events are considered eco-friendly because they focus on recycling!

Urban OlympicsPole Vault

Look for something soft to land in (people do get killed in this event so caution is the keyword on this one). Try to avoid cactus – your best choice is a bush without thorns with plenty of give in it.

Urban OlympicsJavelin

A fishing pole is more than an adequate stand in for a competition level javelin – and safer! Be ready to run after throwing the fishing pole because as non-athletes the fisherman will not understand your quest for gold.

Urban Olympics1500 Meter Run

Train stations, marathons, and outdoor events make perfect locations for you final event the 1500 meter run. Now I know nothing about the metric system but that sounds like a mile or something so you may need to walk most of this one, so save some for the end – it looks good on the cameras – which might mitigate any legal issues involved with running along tracks into a train station.

Training Video

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Posted By: Jerome Aronson

News Category: Retarded, Tips & Tricks, Video



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