Microsoft

Bill Gates facing a government imposed break-up had billions of reasons to distract the federal government. It is a little known fact that key pieces of evidence against Microsoft were stored in FBI vaults within the World Trade Center. The case had been dismissed by the government on the 6th of September only to have new evidence come to light just days later. With only the weekend to plan this elaborate attack it took the nearly unlimited resources of the richest man in the world to pull of the attack. Following the attack the FBI turned it’s sights on al Qaeda leaving Microsoft free to rule the world.

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The Amish

The little known Nationalist Organization of Canaanite and Amish Revolutionaries or NOCAR for short organized a well-orchestarted attack on 9/11. The operation was such as success that no one has suspected the group of orchestrating the next world war. With the Christians and Muslims bombing each other back into the stone age the Amish win. The spartan Amish life will seem attractive and children will quit leaving the community for the big city with electricity (aka satan juice) no longer a factor. The plan was set in Amish orphans who lost their parents to carriages run over by cars who had finally had enough.

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Hindus

Sure these Slurpee dispensing people claim to be peaceful but living next door to a nuclear Pakistan and surrounded by Muslims this tiny religion was in danger of being overwhelmed. That was until 9-11 when the extremist Hindu group 7/11 led a small band of well trained taxi drivers onto four airplanes and overpowered the flight crews with body odor having not bathed for a week. This tiny religion has orchestrated great war foretold by the parable of Armageddon foretold by the parable of the grasshopper and the two bulls.

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Democrats

Bush’s actions on September 11 have been the subject of lively debate, mostly on the internet. Over 35% of democrats believe Bush was behind 9/11 and this is no coincidence. A splinter group of liberal Democrats were behind 9/11. The plan was led by disgruntled democrats following the disputed 2000 election. All of the Bush conspiracy theories have a grain of truth to them which were crumbs left by this group. The leaders knew that after being attacked the hot-headed Texan would begin attacking any Arab nations that annoyed him, literally taunting Bush into starting the most unpopular war in US history. Ask yourself who would benefit most from Bush having a 31 percent approval rating and you already have the answer to who was behind 9/11.

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CNN

After years of flagging rating, peace breaking out through the world and was saddled with billions in debt following the ill-fated AOL merger the network was facing bankruptcy. Led by Larry King who was facing personal financial problems after his twelfth divorce settlement insiders within the network orchestrated the whole thing. Planning was simplified with the aid of those finger painting computer screens they use when covering military actions. After the attacks the network was in the perfect position to leak information implicating the previously little known group al Queda. Since 9/11 the network has enjoyed blockbuster ratings and has staved off bankruptcy.

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Catholics

Facing competition from the fastest growing religion in the world (Muslims) and facing internal crisis the the priest molestation schedule the pope acted to save the church. The Catholic faith was in trouble and it saw a way to eliminate it’s greatest competitors: Muslims and secularists. There are no atheists in foxholes and by starting this war the whole world would be a foxhole. The tiny Swiss guard sworn to undertake the operation undertook the operation in secrecy using an underground Catholic group that made hinted of in the Da Vinci Code.

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OPEC

Arab Muslim extremists were behind the attacks on 9/11 but it wasn’t al Qaeda as many mistakenly believe. OPEC, the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries that is sitting on the greatest concentration of wealth in the world – Oil. They had everything to lose if Al Gore was elected and pushed alternative fuels on the world. It took millions in contributions made covertly to the Republican party and Supreme Court Justices who had a price to keep Gore out in 2000. By 2001 they realized the only thing that could get the bumbling cowboy re-elected was an easy to win war with a small country like Afghanistan. Only an large scale organization like OPEC had the resources and health benefits necessary to pull off such a massive operation.

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Leonard Nimoy

With the Star Trek franchise tapped out, WIlliam Shatner spending the lions share of the residuals on fake hair and his fellow cast members dying off the aging actor was facing a financial crisis. Many forget that Leondard Nimoy was the godfather of conspiracy theories in the 70s TV show In Search Of, and he actually makes small residuals off unfounded conspiracy theories after filing a little known patent in 1973. The disgruntled second fiddle on Star Trek used a small band of hard core Trek fans willing to do anything to orchestrate the attacks he organized during conventions across the country.Since 9/11 every conspiracy nut has had a theory on what really happened and Spock has been rolling in the green.

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Paris Hilton

The little known actress and exhibitionist calculated that in a world pre-occupied by war and looking for escape a no talent tart like herself would be the perfect diversion. Trading sexual favors the oddly-nosed vixen slept her way to brining down the world trade center. You wouldn’t believe what things she had to do to convince those 19 sex-starved arab immigrants into their kamikaze mission.

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Jews

During a weekend binge in Vegas (they had coupons for half off) the heads of the major companies of the world (all run by Jews) hatched a plan to rule the world. WIth Jews surrounded by Arabs seeking nuclear weapons the Jewish suicide brigade (seen in Life of Brian) crashed the airplanes on 9/11. The plan is to get the Christians and Muslims to nuke each other leaving the world to the Jews. Everyone knows the Jews already control the world, they were just sick of sharing space and with global warming worried there wasn’t enough to go around and were too greedy.

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