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Planning the world’s most retarded vacation

Worlds most retarded vacationIt’s not often that we talk about our personal lives on this site, but Michael is planning the most retarded vacation of all time and I just had to share. His new girl we will call ‘married girl’ is taking a vacation next month and he’s booked a room on the same cruise sneak in some quality time with her.

Over the next sixty days I will be posting all the details chronicling this ill-advised vacation.

Being a Boy Scout for two meetings prior to being kicked out I did at least pick up the ‘be prepared’ message… Here are a few things I am suggesting Michael bring along with him on his vacation:

Write "In-Case-Something-Happens" Note

Retard Vacation Supplies

This small package will include a letter implicating new girl’s husband in his death if he should go missing or be found dead on the cruise. This hand-written document will include the details of this vacation and can be a key piece of evidence ensuring that his killer / her husband be brought to justice in the event of Michael’s untimely demise.

I have checked and Michael does have a will although I will steal anything good he has here in the office.

Mrs. Doutfire costume

Retard Vacation Supplies

In order to sit anywhere close to his new girlfriend Michael will have to avoid drawing any suspicion. He is traveling with fellow zoner (and ex-pain) contributor Dan and what better disguise than traveling as a couple. Michael is making Dan sleep in the lobby when the room is occupied so it’s only fair that he’s the woman in this deal. He’s also smaller and slightly less hairy so it’ll be more believable that way too.

Nintendo DS for Dan

Retard Vacation Supplies

Dan will be traveling with Michael and will need to spend large periods of time outside of the cabin. Michael will need to spend some quality alone time with his girl, well not technically his but anyway he needs the room to himself. Except for that one time that he doesn’t like to talk about in El Paso he likes to be alone with a woman. A Nintendo DS is the perfect time waster for that loyal wing-man hanging out in the lobby without a room at odd hours of the day.

BrickHouse Locator with Distance Alert
Retard Vacation SuppliesThe trick will be getting the husband to wear this thing but this tiny item will allow Michael to pinpoint the location of his girlfriend’s husband within a 600 foot range. This is perfect to prevent him from seeing his wife entering or exiting his room. If he’s within range Michael can simply scrub the mission and wave her off reducing the possibility of being caught

Room Steward Uniform

Retard Vacation Supplies

When traveling around the ship at odd hours of the day no one gives room stewards (the housekeepers of the sea) a second look. This simple to reproduce costume will ensure Michael can travel unnoticed in and out of married girl’s room without drawing suspicion.

Child’s Stroller

Retard Vacation Supplies

An empty stroller being pushed by a man shouts married with children, and makes any man seem less of a threat. Simply pushing this around the ship will make everyone believe that Michael (when not in disguise) is traveling with a small child who is constantly running away from him, providing a valuable cover story if needed.

Gay T-Shirts

Retard Vacation Supplies

Michael will be sharing a room with Dan on a week long cruise, everyone will be already assuming that he’s gay. Wearing some Rainbow Gay Pride t-shirts will simply confirm his homosexuality. Gay men are less threatening and if caught the gay friend routine has a very good chance of working on her husband.


iPod Speaker System & Music

Retard Vacation Supplies
It’s important to not draw suspicion from Michael’s neighbors who will of course see him traveling with another man and hearing a woman making noises would be bad. Music played at the right volume level will make her voice sound muffled enough to be confused for a man if heard by anyone nearby. He has to be careful too much volume and the staff will be alerted drawing unwanted attention.


Blonde Wig

Retard Vacation Supplies

Michael’s married girlfriend is brunette and a convincing blonde wig similar to the one used by Britney Spears following her infamous bladed haircut. Using this simple but effective disguise Michael’s girl will be easily able to change her appearance slipping in and out of his room without being recognized. The wig can be stored in a nearby bathroom and retrieved prior to and following extramarital sorties.

Chlorine drops

Retard Vacation Supplies

Michael’s girl will undoubtedly have matted hair, and other visible signs that could be evidence. By taking a shower after their encounters and using chlorine drops the smell and appearance will match someone who has just been swimming. The swimsuit will require less time to get out of, and with the chlorine drops will provide the perfect camouflage. In a worst case scenario the chlorine could be used to overpower her husband.


Retarded Vacation
Figure R-01 Retard Vacation Schematic


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Posted By: Jerome Aronson

News Category: Retarded, Tips & Tricks


5 Responses to “Planning the world’s most retarded vacation”

  1. I should start taking collections for buying these supplies.

    Michael on 03 Oct 2008 at 3:22 pm
  2. Don’t you have your own life? What a waste of space this is.
    And to top it off you even used the word retarded, as if that made any sense.
    Makes me so happy that I’m not 12 years old anymore.

    mary on 04 Oct 2008 at 8:44 pm
  3. Planning a take a cruise with a married woman and her husband to covertly sneak off with the wife on odd minutes does sound like the true definition of a retarded vacation.

    Thank you for your kind words and support Mary, it really means a lot to me that pc police nazis like yourself enjoy this site.

    Jerome on 05 Oct 2008 at 12:50 am
  4. AAAAAAHAHHAHA! that’s funny, adultery aside of course….

    Mary, lighten the **** up and pull your twisted undies out yo crack, bish!
    You took the time to read it, didn’t you?
    what… are you the adulterer wife?! is THAT why you’re mad?!

    humor = perspective = intelligence
    think about it…and get a sense of humor before you come back.

    krystal on 10 Oct 2008 at 12:39 pm
  5. On behalf of the retarded, I’d like to point out that even they would comprehend the flaws in Michael and Married Girl’s plan.

    HolyCrap on 15 Oct 2008 at 10:40 pm

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