Mail order brides for the retarded

I’m finally going to get married. It will be a fine day too, though none of my relatives will be there and most are more embarrassed of me than proud of me. I received an email from “Fred Walker” who claimed to be a attractive blonde and in the email was a link which I felt compelled to click on. That was the start of my wife hunting.

Before you start clicking links in emails, I want to warn you that not all of the potential mail order brides are attractive like you would assume they would be. The fortunate part is that with today’s plastic surgery, you can turn an ugly girl into someone that you wouldn’t be grossed out by if you saw her with the lights on.

I went to the website and as it seemed to be very demanding in telling me “DON’T LET LOVE PASS YOU BY!” Once I was on the website I realized that I just couldn’t let love pass me by (or anything else that I could afford to domesticate).

I was shown 8 different pictures of women and took my time in deciding which picture I would click on first in order to learn more about them. By taking my time, I would be showing self control and restraint and of course contemplating the odds that any Russian woman I chose couldn’t outrun me in a regular public location in order to get away.

Diano Dio seemed nice, but looked angry.

Red Flower really seemed to be a good choice and at age 34 wouldn’t likely be as in good shape and thus more willing to deal with me and my mishapen grotesqueness.

Seamerm looked like the sex change surgeries hadn’t been finished, so I was going to avoid her for the time being.

Musegirl remined me of a girl that use to beat me up in school… and I actually liked college besides that.

Fiery looked like she was full-figured, but if I wanted that I would just search out an obese American woman and have her beat me down mentally.

KyshaVol looked like she wasn’t Russian, and if I’m going to be paying for a Russian woman, than damn it, I want a Russian woman!

ValinnaSky! looked like she could defy gravity in her picture, so I will definitely be checking her out more.

Immortal looked attractive and at just age 20 she’s probably too dumb to realize what a lazy lay is, so there is great potential there. Unfortunately seeing the wine reminded me of Aunt Lilly and those memories are still being removed by therapy.

Red Flower’s page showed me more statistics, which helped me learn much more about her. There were definitely problems with her profile and I’d like to be helpful to her now and let her know a few things.
1) If you are trying to hook up like this, don’t admit divorce. It just shows someone else didn’t want you already.
2) Don’t talk about your children, if you have them or not. I’m not looking for a family, I’m looking for a bride. Just wrap your kid in a box and open him after the wedding while yelling “SURPISE!”.
3) When it asked what your body type is, just say I’m damn fine, don’t refuse to answer. Even saying I’m pudgier than a Mexican in Los Angeles at east gives some indication.

Enough of Red Flower, sorry girl, you’re out of the running. Now it’s time for some VanillaSky!

VanillaSky! has an interesting nickname, it got my attention. And using the exclamation mark as part of her nickname was edgy and reminded me of post-Purple Rain Prince (or the former character known as the former artist formerly known as Prince). VanillySky! also indicates she’s never been married and doesn’t have any kids. Whether that’s true or not doesn’t matter, it just looks better written out.

Being 5′4″ tall means that I can almost be the taller in the relationship, which is a relief that I don’t have to wear my 3″ lifts anymore.

Body type slim. Yep, those pictures seem to agree with you. Nice Photoshop job there!

Her English level reads “I prefer to not say” and that’s totally fine with me. I don’t need to understand what’s being said when she talks, only that there are a couple of needs that I have and a couple of requirements to being a wife. Why even have the ability to talk at all?

Well, I’ve decided on VanillaSky! and hope that I’m able to make it back here soon and post about my new adventures with Mrs. VanillaSky! Retard.