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Recession survival guide for retards

2008 Recession Guide With the recession certain consumer items will be too expensive and others will prove to be relatively recession-proof. Look at our handy guide and find out how you can save thousands of dollars and lower your carbon footprint at the same time!

Tobacco Products Candy
Recession in and out
Carton of 200 Cigarettes $59.99
2 Pound Bag of Candy $2.99
$57.00

With taxes on cigarettes andincreased insurance premiums for smokers candy can save you thousands of dollars. Sure obesity and lung cancer both will probalby lead to early deaths, but think of all the cash you will have saved.

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Theater Movies Netflix
Recession in and out
2 Movie tickets, Popcorn & Soda $34.99
Netflix Movie Rental $4.99
$30.00

The avarage movie ticket now costs over $10 nationally, you can get a monthly subscription to Netflix for costs less than that (depending on how many movies you have out at at time.)

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Restaurants Pasta & Pasta Sauce
Recession in and out
Dinner for Two $34.00
Dry Pasta & Pasta Sauce $7.00
$27.00

It all depends on where you eat out, but eating in can save thousands a year. You can even microwave leftovers for lunch.

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Department Stores Walmart
Recession in and out
Outfit at Department Store $79.99
Cheaper outfit at Walmart $34.99
$1,250*

* Walmart advertises that you can save $2,500 a year and $700 in groceries alone. Actual mileage may vary, but based on the trail of bankrupt competitors and vendors Walmart will save you some cash. We guesstimated an annual savings of $1,250 if you do all your shopping at Walmart.

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Plastic Surgery Cosmetics
Recession in and out
Average Nose Job (Rhinoplasty) $3,250
Makeup Items $54
$3,195

Cosmetics are considered recession proof items, and for a fraction of the cost they can obscure your unseemly beast like nose long enough to save up for a corrective surgery.

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Recycled Products Cheapest Available
Recession in and out
Box of 100% Recycled Paper $51.99
Box of Standard Copy Paper $35.99
$16

You can save 25% or more by ingoring the environment and ignoring recycled products. The planet is doomed so why pay extra for it.

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Travel Holidays Vacation at Home
Recession in and out
Week in Hawaii $4,000
Week at Home FREE
$4,000

Sure you won’t have the memories, but you will need that $4,000 for your retirement once social security goes bankrupt in less than 15 years.

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Premium Drinks Generic Beer
Recession in and out
Bottle of Dom Perignon $98
24 Pack of Beer $14
$84

Beer is cheap and will make you forget how broke you are. On the plus side it’s got enough nutritional value you can skip on food too for even more savings!

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Carbonated Drinks Tap Water
Recession in and out
24 Pack of Coca Cola $7
5 Gallons of Tap Water $.05
$6.95

Carbonated drinks are in the top 5 consumer items vulnerable to recession. Besides the calories might make up for some of that candy you’ve been shoveling down since you gave up smoking.

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Casinos Video Games
Recession in and out
Weekend in Vegas $500
New Video Game $59
$441

Video games are relatively cheap and can take weeks to solve. Plus a game console can probably play those Blu-Ray DVDs you’ll be renting on Netflix.

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Gym Memberships Watching Television
Recession in and out
Annual Gym Membership $499
Watching TV FREE
$499

Going to the gym may be better for you over the long term, but watching television is free and requires less effort. Just think of all those trips to the gym you are saving, take a walk instead.

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Research from Nielsen’s

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Posted By: Jerome Aronson

News Category: Environmental, Financial, Retarded

 

2 Responses to “Recession survival guide for retards”

  1. loved your advice. hated your title.
    what’s the point of using the word retards here?

    mary on 07 Nov 2008 at 7:43 am
  2. Good job Mary. You just won the retard award. Try not to hurt yourself trying to read any other great advice columns.

    John on 04 Dec 2008 at 6:59 pm
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