This new recession is brutal and it’s time to start playing hardball to keep your job. Think about that TV Show Survivor and remember if you get mugged on a date you only have to run faster than your girl. Follow our survival tips and find out how you can keep your job and maybe even your home.
|Fake a Disability|
Wheelchairs are cheap, they just leave them lying around at airports and supermarkets even have electric ones. The Americans with Disabilities Act makes firing anyone of these slow moving workers a lawsuit so legal will just move along to the next able bodied employee to layoff.
WORST CASE: Unemployment lasts less than a year, but disability benifits last a lifetime.
|Mention Large Gun Collection|
Casually mention your large collection of firearms and how you go shooting every weekend. Managers will layoff the unarmed employees before you, their own desire for self preservation will keep you on the payroll.
WORST CASE: People will start being nicer to you at work.
|Buy a Fake Diploma|
A graduate degree will put you a cut above your co-workers and hanging a paid for graduate degree on your cubicle could keep you on through the recession.
WORST CASE: You’ve just padded your resume once you do get laid off.
|Come Out of the Closet|
|Gay is the new black, and legal will get worried about firing someone just after coming out of the closet.
WORST CASE: Chicks dig hanging around gay guys, and you will get to hang out with them at lunch – they might even try to convert you!
|Start Kissing Up|
|Start sucking up without making it obvious you are doing so. Try being that friendly employee who is easy to work with until things get better.
WORST CASE: Hanging around your bosses you might get some good blackmail material.
Always make it look like you are getting things done even if it’s just paper shuffling. Start taking credit for things even if you had little or nothing to do with it.
WORST CASE: You will probably get a better letter of recommendation for all of your hard work.
|Surf P0rn on Co-Workers Computers|
Surfing adult sites at work is a major infraction and will get people to the front of the layoff line. Why not sacrifice your co-worker – when they go on break start looking for 2 girls and a cup on their computer.
WORST CASE: You will see some adult content before you get home.
|Learn Co-Workers Jobs|
It’s survival of the fittest and if you can do the job of two workers you’re the one they’ll keep on. Find someone with the easiest job and learn their shortcuts.
WORST CASE: You can pad your resume with another skillset.
|Sabotage Co-Workers Cars|
|An occasional trip through the parking lot with nails and water for gas tanks can make you shine for being on time with all of your co-workers showing up late.
WORST CASE: America is a consumer based economy and those extra tires and car repairs will you do your part to end the recession.
|Fake Having a Kid|
Every moron in the world has pictures of their kid online so start printing out a few. Take a few days off and work on your resume. Human resources will be less likely to lay off the guy who just had a baby.
WORST CASE: You’ll get some paid time off from work and probably some kids crap as gifts you can eBay for extra cash.