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Reasons to drink alcohol

Reasons to drink alcoholSince exercise is a new fad and people are concerned about their health in greater ways than they ever have been in known history, it makes sense to talk about the alcohol. So grab a can of beer or a glass of wine and start learning why you should be consuming more alcohol.

Make New Friends
In small quantities, alcohol has been proven to lower people’s inhibitions. Alcoohol can also can play a part in slurring speech, so when you ask someone to get me a beer it may sound like you said I’m getting queer. Within moments you might find yourself with a new friend.

That new friend of yours might wind up taking you home for an all-nighter.

Never Alone
When people stress out or are looking to have more fun, they often will turn to alcohol for assistance. Between bars becoming more packed and support groups spreading, it will soon be nearly impossible for the regular alcoholic to find his regular seat at the bar again.

You won’t have any chance to drink by yourself and plan suicide in peace.
Stupid Is The New Funny

Since you’re going to be drinking it up, things that use to be stupid will become oddly funny. That joke about your priest touching you just to give you and your brother something else in common might make you laugh.

WORST CASE: You think it’s a joke if a woman is drunk enough to ask you to go home with her.

Cheaper Than Drugs
There are many things in your lifetime that you could enjoy, some of the things are more expensive than others. Alcohol costs much less than illegal drugs such as cocaine and meth.

WORST CASE: You can buy enough alcohol to poison and kill yourself cheaper than with other drugs.

Makes Time Fly
Your Monday is dragging on but you know at night you’ll be out drinking with friends. For nine hours that feel like ninety you deal with the slow work day and then the five hours at night of drinking seems to last less than thirty minutes.

WORST CASE: You try drinking at work to make time fly and get caught.

Environmentally Friendly
Alcohol is created when grains, fruits, or vegetables are fermented. That’s good stuff, there’s not likely going to be a vegan with a complaint because you are downing a beer or sticking out a pinky while sipping a wine.

WORST CASE: Your meat eating friends will all beat you senseless for trying to be eco-friendly.

Mensa Won’t Bother You
In recent studies it’s been proven that drinking can shrink the human brain. Even small quantities of alcohol drinkers have a smaller brain volume than those who do not, according to a study in the Archives of Neurology.

: You’ll want to become a Democrat and vote for Obama in 2012.

Help The Economy
When you are being a patron at a bar or other establishment, you are helping the economy. Your other choice is to stay home and hoard your money, which should be alright because you don’t want to be part of the solution to help the global economy you selfish hippie.

You go on a spending spree and buy the bar rounds and have more friends to add to your Facebook profile.
Lose Weight
A report from Melbourne in August of 2003 showed moderate drinkers seem to have a reduced risk of developing type 2, or adult onset diabetes. This was probably related to the effect alcohol had on improving insulin sensitivity, which appeared to aid weight loss as well as protect against diabetes.

WORST CASE: You drink and stop eating and people think you are related to Calista Flockhart.

Makes People More Attractive
Due to the numbing effect of alcohol on the brain, the likelihood that an ugly guy could hook up with a hotter girl increase dramatically. If given enough alcohol than someone as hot as Jessical Biel could end up with an average looking guy.

WORST CASE: You’ll take home a girl that might be coyote ugly.


It seems that the average of society will drink hard liquor and some beer. The lower end of society sticks with beer or just whatever they can steal. The upper eschilon will look toward drinking a fine wine.

wrought iron bottle bunch
Though I’m not about to impart my drinking ideas on you (Retard Life has stuff about that), I will tell you that I know a few people that have wine storage areas but aren’t rich enough to have a wine cellar. For this select group of individuals, it might be a good idea for them to either build a cellar or at least get some good wine racks.

I surfed over to the Vine Store and noticed they had some interesting wine holding racks. One of my favorites was the wrought iron bottle bunch.

They carry more than just racks there, there are also coolers and glasses. Whatever you choose while there you have their 100% satisfaction guarantee, which sounds totally unrealistic. I’m sure they don’t offer 100%, since that would actually cover things like what side of the bed you woke up on and if you got some the previous night. The idea of a guarantee of some sort is good enough for me though.

When you shop around the site check out their really, really wide selection of wine racks. Be sure to look for something that you can give to a loved one and to that new friend that you made who just likes to spoon with you because he’s mature enough in his masculinity to stick a surprise in your back door when you get drunk enough. As a friend told me one day, it’s not gay if you’re on top.

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Posted By: Michael Sharpe

News Category: Humor, Retarded


One Response to “Reasons to drink alcohol”

  1. yes i agree we all need to drink more per day, and more days per week. And f* beer…it’s just to weak and bland. Break out the 80 proof potion.

    Diddy Kong on 06 Jan 2010 at 12:28 pm

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