He’s under her umbrella and won’t give it back, without the magic umbrella which is the source of the singer’s otherwise untalented mega successful career.

It’s a little known fact that Chris’s mother is a Jamaican voodoo priestess and is controlling her mind in a desperate bid to avoid Federline-like separation.

The stereotype is true and Chris Brown is hung like a Shetland pony.

She is covering for a closely guarded secret that could bring down her career and she is afraid he will reveal: Rihanna and Chris are related. The two are apparently brotha and sista.

Rihanna has a brown beloved poodle hybrid, mixture of a Maltese and a Poodle that Brown has kidnapped and threatened to feed to a Korean family if she leaves him.

The very religious and slightly dim-witted Rihanna was convinced by Chris that the beating occurred only after he was possessed by an evil spirit that well known con-man and Ghost huckster John Edwards claimed to have exorcised.