We’ve all wondered why this month’s celebrity diva / public train wreck Rihanna didn’t leave her teenage abuser Chris (the girl beater) Brown. The answer could be as simple as many women stay with their abusers out of love or insecurity or something far more sinister and we’re willing to buy into pretty much any conspiracy theater floating on the web, and a few we just made up.
| Killed and Replaced with Celebrity Impersonator |
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Rihanna died from her beating days later and Chris is using an impersonator to claim her mega fortune. |
1 |
| Rihanna is a Man and Chris can Reveal the Truth |
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There is no better witness to Rihanna’s true sexual identity than her boyfriend. If cut loose Chris is willing to reveal the truth that Rihanna has a bigger one than he does. |
2 |
| He Has Her Umbrella, Ella, Ella |
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He’s under her umbrella and won’t give it back, without the magic umbrella which is the source of the singer’s otherwise untalented mega successful career.
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3 |
| Voodoo |
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It’s a little known fact that Chris’s mother is a Jamaican voodoo priestess and is controlling her mind in a desperate bid to avoid Federline-like separation.
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4 |
| 16 Inches |
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The stereotype is true and Chris Brown is hung like a Shetland pony.
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5 |
| All In The Family |
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She is covering for a closely guarded secret that could bring down her career and she is afraid he will reveal: Rihanna and Chris are related. The two are apparently brotha and sista.
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6 |
| Guilt Over Giving Him Herpes |
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She feels bad about giving him the herp, tabloids report that the beating occurred after a painful rash broke out on Chris and he discovered it had nothing to do with an allergic reaction to new laundry detergent as Rihanna had falsely claimed. |
7 |
| Pet Kidnapping |
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Rihanna has a brown beloved poodle hybrid, mixture of a Maltese and a Poodle that Brown has kidnapped and threatened to feed to a Korean family if she leaves him.
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8 |
| Chris Brown Covering for Real Abuser |
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Rihanna was not beaten by Chris Brown, the boyfriend is covering for Rihanna’s mother who was the one who really beat her. |
9 |
| Chris Claims He Was Possessed |
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The very religious and slightly dim-witted Rihanna was convinced by Chris that the beating occurred only after he was possessed by an evil spirit that well known con-man and Ghost huckster John Edwards claimed to have exorcised.
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10 |
Carbon neutral pledge:
I love Rihanna!!!
Why so few posts on this topic? Don’t more people want to talk about this dumb bitch? **** yeah, she is a total hot hoe. Oh, I bet she is in real pain taking that 16 inches too. Totally deserves to feel the burn, bitch. That’s right, Jerome, you got her good!
You the MAN!