Replacing: Waterboarding

Sure waterboarding actually stopped countless attacks including one on Los Angeles and saved a few thousand lives. But we aren’t Jack Bauer and need to treat terrorists who cut people’s heads off with respect. A few hundred trips on this roller coaster without bathroom trips will have them singing, or at least very messy.

Retard Factor:

Replacing: The Attention Grab


Torture is wrong, and so is wanting to kill people so forcing them talk about their felling and get in touch with their inner self will help them do the right thing. After all just talking to terrorists is supposed to fix things now somehow.

Retard Factor:

Replacing: Sleep Deprivation

All Prime Time TV shows are required by the FCC to have at least one likable gay character so any channel will be fine. The LOGO channel will show that we aren’t just decadent but caring and understanding – and they might just learn something about compassion and loving our fellow man.

Retard Factor:

Replacing: Guard Dog Barking


Prolonged exposure to Barbara Streisand’s voice can actually cause health problems so this one might still count as torture. Listening to her would either get them to turn or get them to enjoy several of the other techniques listed here.

Retard Factor:

Replacing: The Cold Cell


Every devout Muslim terrorist is ok with blowing themselves and intentionally murdering women and children but pork is out of the question. Give them the option of Hawaiian Poy (which tastes like wallpaper paste) or tasty pork products like meat candy AKA bacon. If they talk they can eat normal food.

Retard Factor:

Replacing: Death Penalty


If tolerance education is good enough for our school kids in public education the terrorists aren’t any better. What would make this even more effective is a few pictures of them wearing makeup and heels could get them killed in their home countries.

Retard Factor:

Replacing: Wall Slam


Women aren’t allowed to drive in strict Islamic countries – and asian women are without question the worst drivers on the planet. Combine these two facts and a few days of driving with asian females will have those terrorists saying anything to get out of their car.

Retard Factor:

Replacing: The Cold Cell


Most Jewish men who can afford a divorce will escape from these over the hill nags. The triple threat of Jewish, ugly and non-stop annoying will be more effective than any torture the CIA could dole out.

Retard Factor:

Replacing: High-cuffing


Obama has promised indicated he probably will
end the don’t ask don’t tell policy in the US Military. There is no better place to start out an all Gay regiment than policing the terrorists. Let them make friends with the very people they would execute for being gay in their own home countries.

Retard Factor:

Replacing: Getting real answers


Sure we might detain someone with the location of a nuclear bomb set to blow up New York City but we will all sleep a little better knowing we won’t smack someone around to get it.

Retard Factor: