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Retard Road Trip: Drive 2,000 miles for a hamburger

Heart Attack GrillSome people make pilgrimages to holy sites, or historical places or crap like that. Others travel across the country to see Graceland or drive 978 miles for a greasy burger served by chicks dressed like naughty nurses. Last weekend I left a celebrity sized carbon footprint and took an old fashioned road trip to Phoenix Arizona for a totally decent burger.

8 trips to the gas station and 1,956 miles might seem excessive for a restaurant trip, but you can’t destroy the environment from your driveway – unless you leave the engine running with the AC on.

Hamburger Mecca.

The greasy menu – the quadruple bypass weighs in at around 8,000 calories and has 4 half pound greasy slabs of dead cow goodness.

Try the Flatliner Fries ($3.00), a generous portion of steak fried cooked in pure lard.

You wait around on one of the forty odd barstools waiting to order.

When you do order, you get a hospital styled bracelet with whatever procedure / bypass you ordered. If you get a triple bypass or better you get a hospital gown.

Had to go make room for the burger and took a picture of this in the bathroom just above the stall.

Like McDonalds of old they do track things here are the estimated calories served, or a swf file randomly generating numbers – either way it seemed believable.

If you weigh over 350 pounds you eat for me, my twin brother is only a dozen pounds away from eating for free. They only serve free single bypass burgers and you need to buy your own drinks though.

The nurses do have nice outfits and pretty decent shapes – although yours the mileage may vary on their looks.

Here’s my first burger.

All the condiments including lettuce, onions, mustard etc are in place of what would be a salad bar.

First burger down, time for another…

The bigger ones have much smaller buns (opposite to what you see normally).

You fill out a medical evaluation after your meal.

If you eat a quad or in my case more you get a wheelchair ride to your car – or to the curb if you tell the nurse that your burger gave you a food boner like I did.

The Heart Attack Grill on CBS:

Their Website

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Posted By: Jerome Aronson

News Category: Retarded



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