Retard Zone » News

What conspiracy theory really killed David Carradine

Jerome — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 00:09:08 +0000

The legendary grasshopper has passed, and all we can do is cry and wonder how a suicidal failed actor with addition and money problems could have possibly killed himself. There must have been a conspiracy and we have the ten most likely causes of David Carradine’s untimely death…

Church of Scientology Murdered Him
	David Carradine’s wife Annie Bierman is a Scientologist with close ties to leaders in the Church of Scientology. Rumors are spreading throughout the internet that a hit was ordered by the church because Carradine had secrets about the church and was about to go public with them. Plausibility:	1

Long Standing Feud With Chuck Norris
	If Chuck Norris wants you dead — you are a dead man, woman, or vegetable. David Carradine’s girlish Thai Chi rants were finally enough for the most lethal actor of all time who snuck in and out without being seen (because he’s Chuck Norris). Plausibility:	2

Ninjas

David Carradine had mocked the secretive assassins for years in movies. Punching their kind in movies apparently one too many times a contract was put out by by villainous ninja led by the mysterious real life Purple Lady.

Plausibility:

Murdered by Psychotic Kill BIll Fan

Kill BIll is not just a movie with a somewhat successful sequel, to some it is a way of life. Fans around the world had sought to track Bill down and kill him even if he was just a 72 year old actor. So one this fan from England on vacation in Thailand saw Carradine she tracked him (or Bill in her mind) and killed him.

Plausibility:

Third World Hooker Asphyxiation

Outsourcing can leads to all kinds of quality control problems and Carradine may have paid for the cost cutting move with his life. Third world hookers may know how to live with a half a dozen STD’s but some instructions on safe asphyxiation just didn’t translate.

Plausibility:

Dick Cheney Believed He Was a Terrorist

Perhaps confused by a movie role where Carradine played a villain or just assuming that the actor was tied to liberals who support terrorists Cheney tortured the 72 year old actor. The harsh interrogation resulted in the death of the B movie actor.

Plausibility:

Mistakenly Believed He Was Supernatural
	Perhaps as a result of decades of drug and alcohol abuse combined with mystical martial arts roles the 72 year old actor believed he had obtained supernatural powers. He believed if he were choked to death he would come back to life like John Locke from the TV show lost (he hadn’t seen the latest episode where it was revealed Locke was really dead yet either.) Plausibility:	7

Kung Fu Fan Tried to Take His Pebble

Some confused fan of the TV show Kung Fu attempted to obtain Shaolin master status by taking David Carradine’s pebble. When Carradine struggled the fan attempted to make the murder look like a suicide.

Plausibility:

Strangled Himself Accidentally
	David Carradine accidentally killed himself while experimenting with a new Tai Chi method, accidentally choking himself and his balls to death. Plausibility:	9

Superhero Suicide Syndrome
	Superman actor George Reeves and gay cowboy beefcake Heath Ledger were the first two to die of what TV psychiatrists are calling Superhero Suicide Syndrome. This sort of thing always happens in threes in Hollywood so David Carradine fills out our tragic trio. Plausibility:	10

What really happened to Air France Flight 447?

Jerome — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 18:35:34 +0000

Here are the ten most plausible scenarios for what happened to Air France Flight 447, lost off northeastern Brazil to waters off West Africa. The Airbus A330-200 was cruising normally at 35,000 feet and 522 mph just before it literally disappeared nearly four hours into the flight.

Someone Turned on a Cell Phone
	Investigators are narrowing in on the possibility that a cellular phone or possibly an iPhone catastrophically interfered with the aircraft’s avionics. Plausibility:	1

Global Warming
	Global warming experts have been predicting this massive superstorm scenario where warmer oceans churn out massive thunderstorms. Flight 447 was just the first victim in a dangerous new sky that could now be unsafe to fly in. Plausibility:	2

Somali Pirates

Forced to operate further and further from shore, four Somali pirates booked tickets on the Air France flight and planned to ransom the passengers for millions.

Plausibility:

The Swine Flu / H1N1 Mutated

In a nightmare scenario the H1N1 virus also known as the swine flu mutated on board the Air France flight. The crew and passengers literally melted trapped in the re circulated plague filled air.

Plausibility:

Alien Abduction

The American military has refused to release any satellite imagery and radar tracking from the day the flight disappeared. UFO experts fear flight 447 was just the latest and most brazen in a string of alien abductions.

Plausibility:

Snakes on a Plane

Snakes are constantly being found on flights from tropical countries where they slither into airplane compartments. Aviation experts fear the snake unknowingly wrapped itself around a vulnerable electrical nexus on the airbus and literally turned the power off.

Plausibility:

Struck Home Floating on Balloons
	In an apparent copycat of the movie UP a German family of Disney fans strapped hundreds of atmospheric weather balloons to their Munich home. Investigators theorize that after nearly a week aloft the family died of high altitude hypoxia and the home floated into air traffic lanes and collided with Flight 447. Plausibility:	7

Lost Island

The popular TV series LOST is actually based on an nautical legend that an island covered by magnetic power has been home to castaways who crashed on it’s shores. In three years the passengers of flight 427 will go back to the 1970s and prevent the crash using a hydrogen bomb.

Plausibility:

The Brazilian Triangle
	Countless ships and planes over the years have been lost in an torturous seas to the north of Brazil. Like the Bermuda triangle the troubled waters have similar magnetic anomalies. Plausibility:	9

French Woman with Hairdryer
	The fire that brought down Swissair jet off the coast of Nova Scotia in 1998 was likely caused by an electrical fault in the plane’s entertainment system. Aviation experts have long warned against allowing more and more electrical devices was cheating disaster, and fear that a new policy allowing hair dryers would lead to disaster. Plausibility:	10

Man contemplating suicide gets a helpful push off bridge

Jerome — Tue, 26 May 2009 17:46:11 +0000

A Chinese man heavily in debt spent five hours blocking traffic when finally a passer by got fed up and pushed him off the bridge he was considering jumping from.

Chen Fuchao (no f word jokes please) was about 2 million chinese Yuan in debt, around $290,000 (or one shelf worth of Chinese goods at Walmart).

So he stood on a bridge where 6 other jumpers had ended their lives for around five hours blocking traffic.

66-year-old Lai Jiansheng was fed up with Chen’s “selfish activity” and after breaking though a police cordon pushed Chen off the bridge.

Chen landed on a partially inflated air bag and suffered injuries to his elbow and back.

Lai Jiansheng was detained but released by police after the incident.

Lai posed with a salute after pushing the suicidal man off the bridge.

MSNBC Article

Butt Hole Road comes to an end

Jerome — Tue, 26 May 2009 16:58:38 +0000

One road in South Yorkshire (the one in England not the pudding) was so sick of being the butt of jokes that it was forced to change it’s name. After internet postings the sign had become famous and tourists would bare themselves in front of the sign for pictures.

Some residents had become so fed up with the name of the road they had moved.

The street was probably named after a communal water butt.

A rainwater tank sometimes called rain barrels in America are called water butts in the UK.

The new sign (new Butt Hole Road)

The old sign

There is already a petition to switch the name of the road back to Butt Hole Road.

Daily Mail Article

Air Force One attacks New York City

Jerome — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 22:23:01 +0000

In a “photo-op” that caused panic and office evacuations Air Force One buzzed low over the New York skyline causing panic throughout the city. The world’s most expensive corporate jet flew over ground zero at only a thousand feet of the ground trailed by fighter jets.

The 747 trailed by F-16 fighter jets flew two loops from the Verrazano bridge, passed over the statue of liberty and towards Staten Island.

We all ran to the window, and I thought, that’s it, we’re all dead,” said Chris Biancamano, 36, who works at a brokerage in Jersey City. “It brought back all the memories of 9/11. I said, ‘I have to get out of here now!’ ”

The President was not on board Air Force One at the time and although city officials and the FAA had been notified the public at large was not.

Obama apologized for the confusion calling it a “mistake” and saying it would not happen it again.

Even the White House press secretary dismissed complaints saying he had no knowledge of the fly over.

New York Post

Leaked CIA document reveals new procedures to replace coercive techniques

Jerome — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 00:03:22 +0000

CIA methods at Guantánamo Bay included“coercive management techniques” for possible use on prisoners, including “sleep deprivation,” “prolonged constraint,” and “exposure.” Recently leaked CIA documents detail new interrogation methods that will replace the harsher methods used by the previous administration.

Water Roller Coaster Boarding

Replacing: Waterboarding

Sure waterboarding actually stopped countless attacks including one on Los Angeles and saved a few thousand lives. But we aren’t Jack Bauer and need to treat terrorists who cut people’s heads off with respect. A few hundred trips on this roller coaster without bathroom trips will have them singing, or at least very messy.

Retard Factor:

Forced to Talk About Their Feelings
	Replacing: The Attention Grab Torture is wrong, and so is wanting to kill people so forcing them talk about their felling and get in touch with their inner self will help them do the right thing. After all just talking to terrorists is supposed to fix things now somehow. Retard Factor:	2

24/7 Gay TV
	Replacing: Sleep Deprivation All Prime Time TV shows are required by the FCC to have at least one likable gay character so any channel will be fine. The LOGO channel will show that we aren’t just decadent but caring and understanding – and they might just learn something about compassion and loving our fellow man. Retard Factor:	3

24/7 Streisand Music

Replacing: Guard Dog Barking

Prolonged exposure to Barbara Streisand’s voice can actually cause health problems so this one might still count as torture. Listening to her would either get them to turn or get them to enjoy several of the other techniques listed here.

Retard Factor:

Dining Options: Tasty Pork Products or Poy

Replacing: The Cold Cell

Every devout Muslim terrorist is ok with blowing themselves and intentionally murdering women and children but pork is out of the question. Give them the option of Hawaiian Poy (which tastes like wallpaper paste) or tasty pork products like meat candy AKA bacon. If they talk they can eat normal food.

Retard Factor:

Forced Cross Dressing

Replacing: Death Penalty

If tolerance education is good enough for our school kids in public education the terrorists aren’t any better. What would make this even more effective is a few pictures of them wearing makeup and heels could get them killed in their home countries.

Retard Factor:

Drive in Car with Asian Women Driving

Replacing: Wall Slam

Women aren’t allowed to drive in strict Islamic countries – and asian women are without question the worst drivers on the planet. Combine these two facts and a few days of driving with asian females will have those terrorists saying anything to get out of their car.

Retard Factor:

Jewish Housewives with PMS as Guards

Replacing: The Cold Cell

Most Jewish men who can afford a divorce will escape from these over the hill nags. The triple threat of Jewish, ugly and non-stop annoying will be more effective than any torture the CIA could dole out.

Retard Factor:

Jehovah Witnesses
	Replacing: Sweatboxes Jehovah’s Witnesses can talk for days and their non-stop babble about end times might push a terrorist over the edge. The best part is these end timers will work for free hoping to convert one of them. Retard Factor:	9

Gay Military Police Guards

Replacing: High-cuffing

Obama has ~~promised~~ indicated he probably will
end the don’t ask don’t tell policy in the US Military. There is no better place to start out an all Gay regiment than policing the terrorists. Let them make friends with the very people they would execute for being gay in their own home countries.

Retard Factor:

Sit in Corner or Room / Timeouts

Replacing: Getting real answers

Sure we might detain someone with the location of a nuclear bomb set to blow up New York City but we will all sleep a little better knowing we won’t smack someone around to get it.

Retard Factor:

Celebrities giving the gift of death

Jerome — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 17:32:34 +0000

Getting an expensive car, race boat or airplane from a celebrity may seem like a perfect gift but it could wind up costing you your life. Here are the top 10 celebrity gifts, the givers, and the rest of their sad story.

Michael Douglas
	Gift: Porsche Victim: Diane Thomas (friend/writer) Diane Thomas died only a year after the release of Romancing The Stone. Thomas was a Malibu, California waitress at the time she wrote the script, which later sold for $250,000. Sadly, Thomas died in a car accident in a Porsche that Michael Douglas bought her after the success of Romancing the Stone.	1

David Murdock

Gift: Ferrari

Victim: David Murdock
(son)

David Howard Murdock II, 36, whose father is CEO of the Westlake Village-based Dole Food Co., died in a car accident in an early morning while driving his 2003 Ferrari on the Santa Monica Freeway. The ferrari failed to turn when the road curved and drove down an embankment hitting trees below.

Elizabeth Taylor
	Gift: Lockheed Lodestar Victim: Mike Todd (husband) Movie producer Michael Todd, the third husband of Elizabeth Taylor, poses outside his private plane, "The Liz." Soon after this photo was taken, the plane crashed in New Mexico, killing Todd and the three others on board.	3

Charles Ward
	Gift: Lamborghini Gallardo Victim: Lee Ward (son) British oil magnate Charles Ward’s son Lee died in a spectacular crash after losing control of his white Lamborghini and plummeting off a 250 ft cliff in Spain.	4

Prince Rainier of Monaco
	Gift: Rover P6 Sedan Victim: Grace Kelly (wife) Grace Kelly drive her Rover car off the serpentine road down a mountainside. Princess Grace was pulled alive from the wreckage, but had suffered serious injuries and was unconscious. She died the following day at the Monaco Hospital.	5

Princess Caroline of Monaco
	Gift: Racing Powerboat Victim: Stefano Casiraghi Princess Caroline, is the eldest child of the late Prince Rainier III of Monaco. Her husband Stefano Casiraghi was killed in when his powerboat Pinot di Pinot flipped off the coast of Monaco near Cap Ferrat on 3 October 1990. The boat did not have a full canopy, and experts who studied the accident have said that Casiraghi would most likely have survived the accident had the boat been equipped with such a canopy	6

Queen Latifah

Gift: Motorcycle

Victim: Lance Owens (brother)

Queen Latifah’s older brother Lance Owens, who was a police officer, died in an accident on the motorcycle Latifah bought for him as a present. She still wears the motorcycle key around her neck. In her 1999 autobiography, Ladies First: Revelations of a Strong Woman, Latifah discussed how her brother’s death led to a bout of depression and drug abuse, from which she later recovered.

Bill Cosby
	Gift: convertible Mercedes Victim: Ennis Cosby(son) Bill Cosby’s son Ennis who was a graduate student was killed when his Mercedes convertible had a flat tire and he was killed while changing it. The $130,000 dollar vehicle apparently drew the interest of a Ukranian man who shot Ennis, and apparently didn’t want to finish changing the tire.	8

Syrian President Hafez Assad
	Gift: Mercedes Victim: Basil Assad (son) Basil Assad (31), son of Syrian President Hafez Assad and head of the presidential security apparatus, was killed when his Mercedes collided with a motorway roundabout. He had been driving fast through fog on his way to the Damascus Airport when the collision occurred.	9

New Look Founder Tom Singh

Gift: Mercedes

Victim: Andrew Singh (nephew)

Andrew Singh, an heir to the New Look clothing fortune, was killed almost instantly after he hit a taxi on the King’s Road as he drove while more than twice the legal limit. The nephew of New Look magnate Tom Singh swerved between lanes at high speed and hit the cab traveling in the opposite direction, seriously injuring the driver and passenger.

Economic threat level to replace terror level

Jerome — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 21:16:49 +0000

Washington, DC — Today the White House unveiled it’s Economic Threat Level replacing the former administration’s infamous Terror Threat Level. Critics hailed the new system which will track the administrations assessment of financial risks to the nation. White House press secretary Robert Gibbs was quoted as saying the shift in policy shows the new administration’s focus on the economy.

Critics slammed the new system claiming Obama is simply creating a policy of officially ignoring terrorism.

Glenn Beck predicts apocalypse

Jerome — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 21:49:31 +0000

It’s always nice when TV personalities predict things like world series winners or win to sell your house. It’s even cooler when they go nuts like Olbermann does almost every night. This one is a cartoon and really didn’t happen but it’s still pretty cool.

We should really encourage this sort of behavior rather than firing them like Imus, TV would be a whole lot more entertaining.

Baseball’s Hall of Fame steroid team

Jerome — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 19:28:16 +0000

Enshrined in Baseball’s Hall of Fame are some of the great mementos in the sport’s history including uniforms, balls and even chairs. With the steroid era of baseball maybe Canton should make room for some syringes and our all-time steroid team.

Ivan Rodriguez

14 time all star catcher, was the AL MVP in 1999.

’99 TEX Rangers
BA	HR	RBI
.332	35	113

Linked To: Steroids (Deca-Durabolin and/or Winstrol, Testosterone), HGH

Backup: Benito Santiago

Mark McGwire

Mark McGwire was a 12-time all-star first baseman who raced Sosa in the famous steroid home run race of ’98.

’98 STL Cardinals
BA	HR	RBI
.299	70	147

Linked To: Named on Mitchell Report. During FBI investigation officers turned up steroid dealer, Curtis Wenslaff put McGwire on a mix of Winstrol V, testosterone and Equipoise.

Backup: Jason Giambi

Chuck Knoblauch

Chuck Knoblauch was a 4-time All Star and 1991 Rookie of the Year.

’96 MIN Twins
BA	RUNS	SB
.341	140	45

Linked To: Named on Mitchell Report. McNamee said he injected Knoblauch at least seven to nine times with HGH.

Backup: Fernando Vina

Alex Rodriguez

A-Rod the 12 time All Star shortstop/third baseman is a three time AL MVP and on pace to break fellow steroid taker Barry Bonds home run record.

’02 Rangers
BA	HR	RBI
.300	57	142

Linked To: Rodriguez admitted that he took steroids

Backup: Miguel Tejada

Ken Caminiti

With a torn rotator cuff in 1996 Caminiti still put up monster numbers and was the 1996 MVP – with the help of testosterone he bought in Tijuana.

’96 SD Padres
BA	HR	RBI
.326	40	130

Linked To: Admitted to using steroids and named on the Mitchell report. Later died of drug use.

Backup: Matt Williams

Sammy Sosa

Sammy Sosa the 1998 NL MVP and 7-time All Star was so serious about breaking the home run record steroids weren’t enough for the steroid consumer he was even caught corking his bat.

’01 CHC Cubs
BA	HR	RBI
.328	64	160

Linked To: Escaped Mitchell report. During congressional questioning suddenly forgot how to speak English.

Backup: Gary Sheffield

Brady Anderson

The three time all star had one fantastic steroid career year.

’96 BAL Orioles
BA	SB	RUNS
.297	50	110

Linked To: Brady was not named in the Mitchell report and has denied using, but his biceps and return to mediocrity tell otherwise.

Backup: Lenny Dykstra

Barry Bonds

The 7-time MVP, 14-time all-star and all time home run leader.

’01 SF Giants
BA	HR	RBI
.328	73	137

Linked To: Named in Mitchell report, used stanozolol and a host of other steroids. Facing trial for obstruction of justice in BALCO trial.

Backup: Jose Canseco

Roger Clemens

The 11-time All Star and 6-time Cy Young award winner had one of the greatest careers in baseball – even before he doubled in size in his 30s.

’97 TOR Blue Jays
ERA	W/L	SO
2.05	21-7	292

Linked To: According to the Mitchell Report, his former strength and conditioning coach, Brian McNamee, injected him several times with steroids.

Backup: Kevin Brown

Eric Gagne

The 2003 Cy Young Winner 3-time All Star was un-hittable until he laid off the steroids.

’03 LA Dodgers
ERA	SAVES	SO
1.20	55	137

Linked To: Linked to Radomski as a purchaser of human growth hormone. An internal Red Sox memo obtained in the Mitchell report reports a scout saying that performance-enhancing drugs “IS the issue” with Gagne.

Backup: John Rocker.