Replacing: Waterboarding

Sure waterboarding actually stopped countless attacks including one on Los Angeles and saved a few thousand lives. But we aren’t Jack Bauer and need to treat terrorists who cut people’s heads off with respect. A few hundred trips on this roller coaster without bathroom trips will have them singing, or at least very messy.

Retard Factor:

Replacing: The Attention Grab


Torture is wrong, and so is wanting to kill people so forcing them talk about their felling and get in touch with their inner self will help them do the right thing. After all just talking to terrorists is supposed to fix things now somehow.

Retard Factor:

Replacing: Sleep Deprivation

All Prime Time TV shows are required by the FCC to have at least one likable gay character so any channel will be fine. The LOGO channel will show that we aren’t just decadent but caring and understanding – and they might just learn something about compassion and loving our fellow man.

Retard Factor:

Replacing: Guard Dog Barking


Prolonged exposure to Barbara Streisand’s voice can actually cause health problems so this one might still count as torture. Listening to her would either get them to turn or get them to enjoy several of the other techniques listed here.

Retard Factor:

Replacing: The Cold Cell


Every devout Muslim terrorist is ok with blowing themselves and intentionally murdering women and children but pork is out of the question. Give them the option of Hawaiian Poy (which tastes like wallpaper paste) or tasty pork products like meat candy AKA bacon. If they talk they can eat normal food.

Retard Factor:

Replacing: Death Penalty


If tolerance education is good enough for our school kids in public education the terrorists aren’t any better. What would make this even more effective is a few pictures of them wearing makeup and heels could get them killed in their home countries.

Retard Factor:

Replacing: Wall Slam


Women aren’t allowed to drive in strict Islamic countries – and asian women are without question the worst drivers on the planet. Combine these two facts and a few days of driving with asian females will have those terrorists saying anything to get out of their car.

Retard Factor:

Replacing: The Cold Cell


Most Jewish men who can afford a divorce will escape from these over the hill nags. The triple threat of Jewish, ugly and non-stop annoying will be more effective than any torture the CIA could dole out.

Retard Factor:

Replacing: High-cuffing


Obama has promised indicated he probably will
end the don’t ask don’t tell policy in the US Military. There is no better place to start out an all Gay regiment than policing the terrorists. Let them make friends with the very people they would execute for being gay in their own home countries.

Retard Factor:

Replacing: Getting real answers


Sure we might detain someone with the location of a nuclear bomb set to blow up New York City but we will all sleep a little better knowing we won’t smack someone around to get it.

Retard Factor:

Abraham Lincoln (1861 – 1865)

Abraham Lincoln owned at least 2 Dogs called Fido and Jip. Fido, suffered a violent death much like his master. Fido was knifed to death in the street by a drunk who became angry when the Dog jumped on him with muddy paws.

Warren Harding (1865-1923)

White House kennel master Wilson Jackson introduces Laddie Boy to Oh Boy, an English bulldog. Oh Boy was given as a gift to Florence Harding after she moved into the White House. But the dog was in poor health; despite being treated by a local veterinarian for several weeks, Oh Boy later died.

Lyndon B Johnson (1963 – 1969)

Him was Johnson’s favorite Dog, the Beagle called Him. He died in 1966, when he was struck by a car while chasing a squirrel on the White House lawn. One photograph of Him resulted in a scandal among protesting animal lovers when President Johnson picked up Him by the ears.

Lyndon B Johnson (1963 – 1969)

The other unfortunate beagle of president Johnson, Her swallowed a stone and died in 1964.

Bill Clinton (1993-2001)

Socks was an adopted male cat who was given away when the Clintons left the White House in 2001. The Clintons took Buddy to their new home, but left Socks under the care of Bill Clinton’s secretary, Betty Currie. In December 2008, Socks was reported to be in failing health, apparently suffering from cancer. Socks was euthanized on February 20, 2009, in Hollywood, Maryland,after suffering cancer of the jaw. It was also estimated that Socks would have turned 20 in spring 2009, placing his birthdate in spring of 1989 rather than 1990.

Thomas Jefferson (1801-1809)

He actually had a Dog hanged once for attacking his sheep. As president, Jefferson was the originator of the dog license after people complained of renegade hounds destroying livestock.

Thomas Jefferson (1801-1809)

Jefferson also was the recipient of a rather large and generous crate from the explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark. Inside it were two grizzly bear cubs. President Jefferson took the cubs for walks around the garden. The animal-loving president also built the cubs a cage on the South Lawn where they could be displayed and admired by the public. Later, when the bears grew too big, they were donated to Charles Wilson Peale’s museum in Baltimore.

Bill Clinton (1993-2001)

Buddy (1997 – January 2, 2002), a male chocolate-colored Labrador Retriever, was one of two pets owned by Bill Clinton. Buddy, however, suffered the same fate as Clinton’s previous dog, a cocker spaniel named Zeke, when he was killed by a car while running loose near the Clinton home in Chappaqua, New York, on January 2, 2002.

Carter did not own a dog when he moved into the White House, but soon after, his daughter Amy was given a mutt from her schoolteacher. Black and white Grits was a wild one from the start leaving little messes all over the White House, but after he tried to bite a veterinarian during a televised event, Amy had to give him back to her teacher.

Teddy Roosevelt (1901-1909)

Roosevelt had more dogs running around the White House grounds then people could keep track of, but there are two who stand apart from the pack. Pete was a mischievous bull terrier who got into a lot of trouble. He snapped at Cabinet officers, nipped the leg of a naval officer and was finally sent to the family home in Sagamore Hill in New York after he ripped the pants of French ambassador Jules Jusserand after chasing him through the white house.

Retard Factor:

Face it, America is broke and we can’t pay for socialized medicine, huge government spending and green energy without saving every penny we see on the ground.

Retard Factor:

Obama is the most photogenically fit president ever, and the first to be able to dunk. During a recent basketball game he pulled a hamstring only to come up lame when trying to shake hands with the King.

Retard Factor:

George Bush (senior) threw up in Japan as ridiculed for it, Obama had a little throw up and wanted to keep it off camera.

Retard Factor:

Face it, we need their gas and aren’t going to do anything about Saudi Arabia even if they are funding all of the terrorists. Farting is about the only thing we can do to protest and Obama let the King have it.

Retard Factor:

Retard Factor:

Obama said he was going to not focus on Iraq but the source of terrorism, and it comes mostly from Saudi Arabia. Barack and about to kill the King when he was caught on film and had to stop mid karate chop.

Retard Factor:

Retard Factor:

Obama needs to cut the military to pay for free health care for illegal aliens, and he needs peace in the world to do that. He had stopped to pray for peace just before shaking hands with the King.

Retard Factor:

Failure: Actual trees are less expensive both economically and environmentally to produce.

Retard Factor:

Failure: The process of building a small navy of unmanned saltwater spraying ships would be prohibitively expensive, although with massive cuts to the US Navy pending there could soon be 13 unemployed aircraft carriers.

Retard Factor:

Theory: Another form or solar radiation management using pale-coloured roofing and paving materials. In the world of industrial and commercial buildings, a roofing system that can deliver high solar reflectance (the ability to reflect the visible, infrared and ultraviolet wavelengths of the sun, reducing heat transfer to the building) and high thermal emittance (the ability to release a large percentage of absorbed, or non-reflected solar energy) is a cool roof.

Failure: Most of the planet’s factories are in third world countries that don’t bother to pump their waste into anywhere but the local rivers let alone go paint all of their buildings with fancy paint. Although we are regulating everything else so why not ban dark colored paint?

Retard Factor:

Theory: Thomas Wigley, an expert on climate change based at the National Center for Atmospheric Research in Boulder, Colo., has created computer simulations that replicate the 1991 "Mount Pinatubo effect"—a temporary cooling period created by the launch of 20 million tons of sulfur dioxide into the stratosphere. The injection could be accomplished by artillery, aircraft and balloons. The compound would react to form a cloud of sulfuric acid droplets that would in turn reflect sunlight and cool the globe.

Failure: Anyone remember our planet’s history? Massive clouds of volcanic waste helped wipe out the dinosaurs, and at least they weren’t dumb enough to do it themselves.

Retard Factor:

Theory: Iron fertilization is the intentional introduction of iron to the upper ocean to stimulate a phytoplankton bloom. This is intended to enhance biological productivity, which can benefit the marine food chain and sequester carbon dioxide from the atmosphere.

Failure: Iron is a potentially toxic heavy metal. In excess, it can cause cancer, heart disease, and other illnesses. Our oceans have enough heavy metals and waste without us pumping more of them and possibly killing off sea life as we know it.

Retard Factor:

Theory: It has been proposed to actively enhance the polar ice cap by spraying or pumping water onto the top of it which would build thicker sea ice. As ice is an insulator, water on the surface of the ice tends to freeze more quickly than that below. River water could be used for this purpose, as salt water tends to resist freezing, and may end up perforating the resulting ice sheet.

Failure: Building, delivering and maintaining the equipment necessary to deliver the large amounts of water in the volumes needed under those conditions would be nearly impossible.

Retard Factor:

Failure: The world is too busy tearing up natural areas and converting them to strip malls to find the time or empty space to start burying manmade charcoal.

Retard Factor:

Theory: Essentially composting on a massive scale. Biomass, as a renewable energy source, refers to living and recently dead biological material that can be used as fuel or for industrial production.

Failure: Our cars, trucks and factories simply cannot run on manure, let alone could we create enough waste even with Washington’s help.

Retard Factor:

Failure: Particle Sea Reflection has been ruled out as “a wacky geoengineering solution". Unfortunately this would inevitably pollute the oceans, and the particles would probably wash up on beaches fairly quickly.

Retard Factor:

Theory: Rockets would launch massive sun-blocking mirrors erected in deep space, reflecting the solar heat before it enters the atmosphere.

Failure: Undoubtedly the pollution caused by the rockets delivering the mirrors and their production would probably outweigh any benefit.

Retard Factor:

BENEFITS: Improved test scores, fewer losers, lower crime rates

We can’t pay for Social Security without drastic steps, and public executions are just the ticket. Those whose quality of life have made them useless to the economy are a burden we can no longer afford. Once seniors reach retirement age they must pass certain health standards or get on the carousel.

BENEFITS: Social Security solvency, huge budget windfall, new reality TV programming

Humans have gone far too long without a natural predator. Let’s face it we are just animals and we need predation to remove the slow from the herd.

BENEFITS: Reduced class sizes, faster healthier kids with lower childhood obesity rates

China has been the economic powerhouse of the world since it adopted the one-child policy. Parents can concentrate their love and attention without spreading themselves too thin.

BENEFITS: Reduced population, smaller class sizes, better test scores

Similar to the cliff of Sparta where the weak were removed from the population, people would be required to swim across a deep swimming pool every few years. Everyone would be given an equal opportunity

BENEFITS: More American Olympic swimmers, fewer handicapped health care expenses, fewer witches.

BENEFITS: Reduced crime, lower prison expenses, huge pool of free labor.

A few dozen Texans with rifles would reduce illegal immigration to practically nothing. Hunters might even pay to shoot wily inmates sentenced to death.

BENEFITS: Reduced illegal immigration would save billions in benefits and reduce population.

BENEFITS: World peace, lower population and lower greenhouse emissions.

Capitalism and material greed starts with children. Toys are nearly all plastic and contribute to millions of tons of toxic trash a year. Just round them up and stop the cycle of greed once and for all.

BENEFITS: An end to greed, social disparity and a cleaner environment.

Internet postings over the last few days are mentioning images of geese, including this photo clearly showing an Al Qaeda spokesman with a Canadian Goose above his right shoulder. Analysts have noted recent mentions of a ‘Winged Holy Avenger’. on Message boards and Blogs with links to Al Qaeda.

With millions of commercial airline takeoffs over the last hundred years the fact that one occurred within a mile of the world trade center site is looking less and less like a random coincidence.

The Canadian Goose is the perfect anti-aircraft missile for terrorists. Even after years of water boarding at Guantanamo Bay it will never reveal it’s secrets. The bird is a true stealth aircraft nearly invisible to radar. At four pounds it can bring down any aircraft from an F-16 to a 747.

Konrad Zacharias Lorenz was an Austrian zoologist, animal psychologist, ornithologist and Nobel Prize winner. He is often regarded as one of the founders of modern ethology and studied instinctive behavior in animals, especially in greylag geese and jackdaws. Working with geese, he rediscovered the principle of imprinting and proved geese could be trained.

It is no mistake these were Canadian geese, terrorist organizations are known to be operating there due to their much softer anti-terrorism policies. Canada has the most generous asylum system of any country in the world. Any individual who arrives in Canada or who reaches Canadian territorial waters has the right under law to submit a claim for protection under the UN Convention. The lack of an effective pre-screening mechanism enables almost 100 percent of claimants to receive a formal hearing with free legal advice. No other country has a higher approval rate. The head of the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS) reported to the Canadian Parliament in June 1998 that there were more than 50 terrorist organizations operating in the country.

Officials at the US State Department were alerted to a huge influx of orders for Goose call whistles to Pakistan over the last several years. The specialty horns are used to attract geese by simulating a goose call. Originally it was believed that the terrorists were using the horns for hunting birds in remote mountain areas for food, but when combined with other intelligence their purpose became clear.

Another attack on American soil was only a matter of time according to most experts. A spectacular attack in the heart of New York would be the most attractive target to Al Qaeda due to it’s history with 9/11 and the coverage such an attack would receive.