Actor Richard Widmark died after being shot in the spine by an illegal alien the age of 93. That was what I read on Wikipedia earlier today, the true cause according to his wife was the he died of a long term illness. So unless you buy into a wild conspiracy theory that the wife and gardener were having an affair and she’s covering up for him you can chalk this up to another crazy web rumor, like 9/11 being a conspiracy.
Possibly inaccurate death story (now unavailable)
More lies from the New York Times…
Yesterday a major act of voter fraud went unnoticed, not the one where I went and voted for Hillary either. One of the sites that I frequent The Trading Fraternity had it’s own important election. If you really support something or have nothing better to do at work why stop at voting just once?
Sure this poll may have been meaningless on a site however cool is not really in the top 200 million sites on the web. (total monthly average of global viewers who visit the site 0.000025% )
It did take four servers running an automated script that stuffed the ballot electronically overnight to get that number to 100% (the joys of rounding) but it was totally worth it.
The poll on Trading Fraternity (since removed for alleged voter fraud.)
The latest totals
Online Poll vote yourself, heck vote more than once as many times as you want.
Protesters
You might also want to leave him a comment about why John keeps sharing the more intimate details of his personal life in his polls.
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Sure we all can’t win the gold, but competing for let’s say the women’s track team would buy you at least three seconds on your mile. In the army chicks only had to run at a brisk walk to pass their physical requirements tests (guess the bad guys need to be told not to chase women at full speed). So if we’re going to have steroids in professional sports and co-ed bathrooms let’s cheat our way to the gold…
Not sure which is funnier the mustache or the pink tutu, this year’s retard gold medalist Paul Hunt, USA.
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A few months ago we decided to glue a candy jar shut with epoxy and photograph all of the freeloaders at work trying to get candy. Since then we’ve been scratching our brains (ouch) trying to come up with something to top that candy prank. Inspiration finally hit (again ouch) and here’s what happened…
The new candy jar (pre modification) one 40 inch Giant Pony on sale for $48.70 at rite aid.
The candy will be stored in this 2 dollar plastic bucket from Home Depot.
A long sleeve shirt will provide the short tunnel necessary to reach the candy container inside the stuffed pony.
Cutting a small hole for the sleeve to attach to the container.
Epoxy to seal the candy container lid and the sleeve.
Sleeve attached to internal candy container – check.
Allow to dry and check for strength.
Remove stuffing and insert internal candy container.
Carefully sew other end of sleeve to far end of stuffed pony, now everyone can be an amateur veterinarian.
The finished product – one custom stuffed pony candy jar!
Fill with an assortment of chocolates and candy to tempt even the most discriminating candy aficionados.
Blueprints…
Put instructions on the wall for those who just wouldn’t guess off the top of their head there was candy in there.
Now that we’re all set up, time for the victims hungry coworkers…
The first victim, wasn’t so sure – but fortunately child labor is willing to forgo pride over the desire for sweet, sweet candy.
Breaking in the candy jar.
She seemed to enjoy it… nice.
Scuba man had flashbacks.
A recent DUI wouldn’t stop this clown from driving down the wrong candy street.
He had to explain it to her.
With some encouragement she dove in.
Short people had to go in beyond their elbows to get the chocolate inside.
She seemed to have her reservations, something you would think her past life working in go-go bars would have prepared her for this.
Not everyone would allow us to photograph them, but seeing the owner of the company suggest order the reluctant CEO (not pictured) to get some was priceless.
Free candy if you are willing to pay the price…
Having a company 
My under 15 dollar present, purchased at the supermarket the night before (not much advance notice to do anything cooler.)
A few minutes in Illustrator gives me the perfect non-specific winterish holiday paper that is politically correct even in the most discerning company.
Politically Correct wrapping paper.
It would have been easier to print on larger sheets of paper, but this was faster and cheaper.
Almost done…
The finished product suitable for anyone, except those allergic to candles – they will die anyway regardless of the wrapping paper so screw ‘em.
Watching Japanese TV makes me wish I had a big budget or any budget at all to do stupid things on video. That and that those perfect bodied anime chicks were real and less boring. Anyway this Japanese TV show Spring of Trivia plays a cruel joke on racewalking champion Jefferson Perez. They wanted to see what would happen if Perez was attacked by a gang of sword-wielding samurai: would he rely on his expert racewalking skills to get away, or would he simply run away?
The film crew had spent some time with Perez earlier that day, rigging a TV set to air a fake news report about samurai attacks. Perez seemed somewhat disturbed by the news report, and the film crew told him some BS about how samurai attacks were a major problem in Japan. Perez apparently believed them because he ran like Marion Jones on steroids when they came after him.
The video
Sure I love a good prank just as much as the next guy if not more, but you might want to think twice before you scare some people. It’s possible this kid grew up in a bad neighborhood and every time someone surprised him there was some kind of mugging or violent attack. On the plus side at least the kid wasn’t armed…
The kid actually threw a pretty good punch, nice rotation shoulders, he really got his weight into the swing. It looks like he had some formal training, or maybe he just grew up with brothers.
Urine and poop aren’t just for tasteless pranks anymore. Kids need only a soda bottle and a balloon to converted sewage into a hallucinogenic drug. This has all the hallmarks of a good internet prank so local police might want to wait before going out and breaking up poop labs.
We’re not sure what they’re inhaling down in Collier County, Florida, but here’s the bizarre “information bulletin” prepared by the local sheriff’s intelligence bureau about a purported “new drug” favored by the kids. It’s an inhalant called “Jenkem,” and causes hallucinations and a “euphoric high.” Of course, as the bulletin notes, Jenkem users dislike its sewagey taste, which can last for days. That’s because Jenkem’s active ingredients are urine and fecal matter, hence its street names like “Butthash” and “Fruit from Crack Pipe.” We’ve tried to speak with the bulletin’s author, Lieutenant Al Ganich, but he has not returned TSG calls. Perhaps he’s realized that his “CONFIDENTIAL” September 26 report–which is authentic, according to a sheriff’s official–may be itself full of crap.
The story sure looks like a prank in of itself – but on the plus side I got to say poop.
On 09119/07 (‘p1. Disarro received and email from a concerned parent regarding a new drug called “Jenkem”. The parent advised their child learned about this drug through various conversations with several students at Palmetto Ridge High.
Jenkeni originated in Africa and other third world countries by fermenting raw sewage to create a gas which is inhaled to achieve a high. Jenkem is now a popular drug in American Schools.
Jenkeni is a homemade substance which consists of fecal matter and urine. The fecal matter and urine are placed in a bottle or jar and covered most commonly with a balloon. The container is then placed in a sunny area for several hours or days until fermented. The contents olthe container will separate and release a gas, which is captured in the balloon. Inhaling the gas is said to have a euphoric high similar to ingesting cocaine but with strong hallucinations of times past.
Once ingested the onset of the high takes approximately 10 seconds with the most severe hallucinations happening in approximately 20 minutes. Several articles indicate that the stiject immediately passes out atler ingesting the gas then regains a magical/hallucinogenic state within seconds of regaining consciousness. The high has been described by subjects as a feeling of “being out of it” and talking to dead people. The feeling of being “out of it” may last for several hours or days.
All subjects who used the Jenkem disliked the taste of sewage in their mouth and
the tact that the taste continued for several days. -tt
Slang terms: Winnie, sh*t. Runners, Fruit from (‘rack Pipe, Leroy Jenkems. Ni iglit. I3utthash, and Waste.
Remember kids just say no to poop – then again it is recycling to hippies everywhere have got to be besides themselves – drugs and recycling in one product!
This year’s first annual retardzone staff Halloween celebration was appropriately retarded. Although Halloween is now being banned in some school districts where it offends Muslims it is quite literally the last politically correct holiday remaining. I did my best to set this one last acceptable holiday back to getting even it banned.
Costume Contest: We decided to figure out who had the most retarded costume…
Mine was far and a way the more offensive of the two.
My first thought was this is cool, but not offensive enough.
Zombie mask was terrifying, but cost eighty bucks and would require more of a body outfit. Plus it was really hard to breath in, and we’d be wearing our costumes all day long.
Mike finds a good meaty mask that should scare small children, including me.
I’ve always wanted to have a pair of these for my very own…
It’s beginning to look a lot like something… The big spider was a cool touch, but the webbing made the office.
Testing the fog machine. The good news is that it did not activate the fire sprinklers – which is a good thing and kept us from getting fired for the time being.
You can never have enough spider webs, you kind of had to limbo to get through the door – but we need the exercise.
Receptionist desk decorated just for fun, it’s next door so we had to upgrade the neighborhood.
We totally won the company halloween decoration contest. True no one else entered, but like corrupt government contracts they are the most fun to win.
She’s a witch! At first she was a little frightened but she’s a good sport.
And I got my first action of the day!
Mike with a the good looking but semi retarded blond girl who can’t park.
Chicks just can’t keep their hands off me – playing effeminate or pretending to care is not necessary if you are going to be the female husband in the relationship.
This has to be the most offensive Halloween costume I could come up with…
At first she was shy but by morning she had come to terms with her new orientation, I think I have always been a lesbian trapped in a large man’s body.
The front of the building had so much smelly fog juice that the poor receptionist initially thought there was a fire. Fog juice kind of smells like burning soap, and leaves a bad taste in your mouth and a funny smell to your clothes. Definitely not an everyday thing – but we do have enough fog juice to turn it on once a month at least.
Today while I was surfing the web when I really should have been working I found an utterly retarded site and decided it needed help. The ‘6 billion’ people webpage only had 43 people on it so I decided to add myself 23 times. Now beyond the two pictures of myself I needed to come up with 21 of my friends to help contribute to this site.
Now this required me to create an individual email account for each, and it’s a good thing my boss had nothing better to do and helped me by creating email accounts on yahoo. With our contribution the six billion people of the world are at least 34% retarded. Please feel free to contribute your own retarded selves, this should be a new home for the retarded.
The map moves like the google map and you can enlarge the retarded photos on, there are only 5 billion, nine hundred and ninety nine million, nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and forty four spots open so you better hurry.
Here are just a few of my friends that have already posted:
email: m.takesitintherear
my ex girlfriend, before she got fat
after
my black friend who can beat me in an eating contest – and let’s me say I have a best friend who is black
dad
dad’s new friend who for some reason keeps showing up in our house for breakfast everyday
my cousin / uncle (long story)
mommy
best friend on the fourth of July, still miss him
My biological father, Bubba
My uncle, he’s cool but for some reason he’s always taking pictures and then using photoshop to swirl his face before he posts them on the internet. He was always taking me camping and give me all the whiskey and hard liquor I could keep down.
Looking forward to seeing you there! Be sure to post your pictures, and let us know…
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