Baxter Corporation makes the only cure for the Swine Virus and is facing massive layoffs and a sea of red ink. Like all evil corporations in movies they are behind the whole evil plot to make money in a massive conspiracy that goes all the way to the top.

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Sagging TV News ratings and plummeting ad revenues are already forcing massive layoffs. Without a huge increase in ratings TV news could go the way of the newspaper. Using press passes they got access to government labs with the virus and spread the virus using their Mexican affiliates.

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With democrats moving forward on legalizing illegals, anti-immigration forces had no options left. The flu will close the borders once and for all, and reduce the population trying to get over the border in one ‘final solution’.

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Finally sick of Humans enslaving their animal brothers PETA launched the outbreak hoping to end meat production once and for all. Part of their endmeat strategy that included the bird flu and mad cow people will swear off meat for good.

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This almost makes a lot of sense, Mexico is much easier to attack and Muslims hate pigs. With Mexicans working everywhere they are literally the modern day rat capable of spreading plague across the planet of infidels.

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With the democrats in control the 9/11 Mastermind had lots of time on his hands. Watching all of the positive Obama coverage finally pushed him over the edge and he used his Haliburton ties to launch the secret Mexican attack.

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With a standing army nearly the same size as the government the drug cartels lack the heavy artillery to finish off the Mexican Army.The cartels have the money, resources and reason to launch this outbreak.

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Catholicism is on the verge of dying out — everywhere except for Mexico. Without the faithful Mexicans Catholic churches across the country would be empty. Anti-Catholic forces realize this and realize the only way to close the churches was to attack them at their source (Mexico) like killing vampires.

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With rising costs and a looming recession a splinter group from the American Medical Association released the disease to save their expensive cars and homes from foreclosure. Once news of the swine flu hit the cable news the treatable disease would put anyone with a cough or a temperature in the doctor’s office.

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Failure: Actual trees are less expensive both economically and environmentally to produce.

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Failure: The process of building a small navy of unmanned saltwater spraying ships would be prohibitively expensive, although with massive cuts to the US Navy pending there could soon be 13 unemployed aircraft carriers.

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Theory: Another form or solar radiation management using pale-coloured roofing and paving materials. In the world of industrial and commercial buildings, a roofing system that can deliver high solar reflectance (the ability to reflect the visible, infrared and ultraviolet wavelengths of the sun, reducing heat transfer to the building) and high thermal emittance (the ability to release a large percentage of absorbed, or non-reflected solar energy) is a cool roof.

Failure: Most of the planet’s factories are in third world countries that don’t bother to pump their waste into anywhere but the local rivers let alone go paint all of their buildings with fancy paint. Although we are regulating everything else so why not ban dark colored paint?

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Theory: Thomas Wigley, an expert on climate change based at the National Center for Atmospheric Research in Boulder, Colo., has created computer simulations that replicate the 1991 "Mount Pinatubo effect"—a temporary cooling period created by the launch of 20 million tons of sulfur dioxide into the stratosphere. The injection could be accomplished by artillery, aircraft and balloons. The compound would react to form a cloud of sulfuric acid droplets that would in turn reflect sunlight and cool the globe.

Failure: Anyone remember our planet’s history? Massive clouds of volcanic waste helped wipe out the dinosaurs, and at least they weren’t dumb enough to do it themselves.

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Theory: Iron fertilization is the intentional introduction of iron to the upper ocean to stimulate a phytoplankton bloom. This is intended to enhance biological productivity, which can benefit the marine food chain and sequester carbon dioxide from the atmosphere.

Failure: Iron is a potentially toxic heavy metal. In excess, it can cause cancer, heart disease, and other illnesses. Our oceans have enough heavy metals and waste without us pumping more of them and possibly killing off sea life as we know it.

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Theory: It has been proposed to actively enhance the polar ice cap by spraying or pumping water onto the top of it which would build thicker sea ice. As ice is an insulator, water on the surface of the ice tends to freeze more quickly than that below. River water could be used for this purpose, as salt water tends to resist freezing, and may end up perforating the resulting ice sheet.

Failure: Building, delivering and maintaining the equipment necessary to deliver the large amounts of water in the volumes needed under those conditions would be nearly impossible.

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Failure: The world is too busy tearing up natural areas and converting them to strip malls to find the time or empty space to start burying manmade charcoal.

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Theory: Essentially composting on a massive scale. Biomass, as a renewable energy source, refers to living and recently dead biological material that can be used as fuel or for industrial production.

Failure: Our cars, trucks and factories simply cannot run on manure, let alone could we create enough waste even with Washington’s help.

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Failure: Particle Sea Reflection has been ruled out as “a wacky geoengineering solution". Unfortunately this would inevitably pollute the oceans, and the particles would probably wash up on beaches fairly quickly.

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Theory: Rockets would launch massive sun-blocking mirrors erected in deep space, reflecting the solar heat before it enters the atmosphere.

Failure: Undoubtedly the pollution caused by the rockets delivering the mirrors and their production would probably outweigh any benefit.

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Chimps frequently practice infanticide wading into the screaming females, grabbing babies left and right. They swing the infants against the trees, smash them against the ground, bite their heads and crush their skulls. The baby killings sometimes follow leadership changes or simply looking to get sexual attention from females.

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Primatologist Jane Goodall was the first to observe this infamous female behavior in 1976 in a cannibalistic mother-daughter duo, the chimpanzees being named Passion and Pom. You can even watch them eating each other here

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Twenty-five years after the first AIDS cases emerged, scientists have confirmed that the HIV virus plaguing humans really did originate in wild chimpanzees, in a corner of Cameroon. Presumably, someone in rural Cameroon was bitten by a chimp or was cut while butchering one and became infected with the ape virus. That person passed it to someone else. Since humans are so closely related other diseases could be passed on unless chimps are eradicated.

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St Jean, a six-two former running back was knocked to the ground, no longer able to defend himself, and for at least five minutes, the mauling continued as he lay helpless. One of the chimps gnawed on his buttocks and bit off his genitals. They ravaged his left foot, leaving it shredded, and chewed his nose off. This attack is not unique and repeated itself recently in Connecticut. Once these monsters get a taste for yummy human flesh it could turn into some bad horror movie.

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It came as a shock to Jane in 1974 when patrols of chimpanzees from the Kasakela community–one of four groups in the 20-square-mile park–began attacking chimps from the Kahama community to the south. She was stunned by reports of stealthy warriors moving through the forest in single file, hair bristling from fear and excitement, stepping from stone to stone to avoid making noise in what came to be known as the Four Year War.

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Field studies in Tanzania illustrate how some chimps occasionally murder other chimps for no apparent survival-related reason. Premeditated, gangland-style attacks were directed by a large group of male chimps on a smaller group of males and females that had previously broken away from the larger group. Over the course of five years, each member of the splinter group was systematically and brutally beaten. All died. Only young males initiated the attacks, which occurred only when the victims were isolated from the others. Hands, feet, and teeth were often used by the attackers.

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Vanguard gathered that it was not the first time the people in the area have witnessed such a strange happening,at least not less than four ladies had fallen prey of the strange animal in the remaining three other neigbouring towns. In the past, especially in towns like Igede, Eyio and Osin Ekiti and it did it and escaped into the jungle. Among their own species sexual such attacks have been widely documented.

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Sure it’s just a movie, but we can’t be too careful. If these massive apes with opposable thumbs ever figure things out we will be turned into human slaves just like in The Planet of The Apes. We should act now before it’s too late. Don’t laugh they scored better on some memory tests than people.

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Why it’s retarded: Sticking this ozone where the sun don’t shine could have serious adverse results, as ozone is a very well documented trigger for allergy and asthma.

Why it’s retarded: If sticking Christmas lights in your nose cured allergies my little brother would be allergy free during the holidays.

Why it’s retarded: If you have to be convinced that drinking your own urine is not good for you there is no hope for you and you should be killed immediately and removed from the genepool.

Underground climatotherapy is an alternative treatment for asthma used in Eastern Europe. It involves spending 2-3 hours a day underground in subterranean caves or salt mines over a 2-3 month period.

Why it’s retarded: If caves are so healthy why do miners have one of the shortest life expectancies of any job in the world. Nothing clears up the lungs like a musty cave full of stale air chalk full of stale gases and particulant matter.

Why it’s retarded: Cheapy sub HEPA filters can only remove a very small amount of particles onto its thin-narrow collector plate attracting particles from a distance of approximately 1/8 of an inch away! If the collector plate is dirty, the plate is not able to keep collecting particles onto it and stops working. Air cleaners emit large amounts of ozone, a lung irritant that can trigger asthma attacks In fact, if you look in the instruction manual, you’ll see that it warns users to make sure that the room is unoccupied before "sanitizing" with ozone. The manual also suggests airing out the room before going back into it.

Why it’s retarded: NAET has to be the most unsubstantiated allergy treatment proposed to date. It consists of combination of discredited methods of diagnosing and treating allergy such as kinesiology, Vega testing and acupuncture. However the whole issue of energy flow and electrical fields in the body being the cause of allergies has not ever been proven.

Why it’s retarded: Only crazy people make up their own religions, force him to pick one or the other or convert to Jewish Muslim.

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All batteries are toxic to make, dispose of, have short life spans and can even been deadly when exposed to water. They contain toxic ingredients that show evidence of bio accumulating in the food chain (including in plants), which means that concentrations can rapidly become relatively high in organisms high in the food chain.

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Catamarans have some advantages like resistance to capsizing, spacious widths and speed advantages although the vast majority of boats are mono hull or single hulled. Here are some of the biggest disadvantages to a catameran:

• Cost to park:
  harbors are set up to accommodate narrower single hulled ships and a catamaran can cost double the typical $400 a month in slip fees.
• Less maneuverable:
  
  Mono hulls are the choice whenever close-quarters maneuvering is required. A fin keel mono hull can pivot on its keel allowing for a tight turning radius and excellent maneuverability. Cats, without the keel, must turn through the water and have a much wider turning radius.
• Motion Sickness:
  Contrary to mono hulls which have a ballasted keel, catamarans rely only on form stability, which may lead to motion discomfort and more seasickness in light wind conditions.

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You know you’re having a bad day or watching a terribly stupid movie when someone close to you is carried off by a
ghost dinosaur These usually invisible ghosts of giant herds of dinosaur ghosts. The movie asserts that oil fields are actually just dinosaur cemeteries. When the ‘disease’ is in advanced stages the herd is not only visible but will grab you up.

Retard Survival Tip:
To survive simply close your eyes, apparently if you can’t see them they really aren’t there and can’t harm you.

People are not the only victims of this mysterious disease unlocked by drilling in the arctic. Bulldozers, trucks and snowmobiles all fall victim to the possibly gas emissions released by drilling on the dinosaur cemetery.

Some vehicles have their oil spill out and others simply won’t start.

Retard Survival Tip:
Be sure to carry along some extra motor oil and a jumper cables and an extra pair of hiking boots just in case.

When our lone survivor Abby is rescued and taken to a hospital over a hundred miles away she apparently carries The Last Winter or TLW Disease
with her. When she awakes from her rescue the hospital is empty and she stumbles upon her doctor who has already hung himself.

Retard Survival Tip:
Shoot the survivors, they are contagious like in the movie The Ruins (where villagers shoot those who touch the contagious plants) combined with The Happening (Where plants go on a suicide inducing hormone releasing spree).

Retard Survival Tip:
Just because this movie is about drilling doesn’t give you an excuse to go picking your nose. Remember it’s not just gross it’s potentially fatal.

TLW Disease is apparently airborne and causes airplanes to crash barbecuing three victims. Somewhat disturbingly the foreman pins his escape plan on getting 10 people into the tiny four person Cessna 172 (but the movie was on a limited budget).

Retard Survival Tip:
Travel by sea, the air and land are definitely unsafe but no one dies on the water so it’s probably the safest means of transportation.

The strategy of "mainstreaming" is to put children who can’t keep up with grade level work in the class with functioning students. Across the country teachers are spending a huge percentage of their time slowing down their curriculum to try to keep these slower students up with the rest of the class. In Europe there is a college bound tract and a trade school tract where children who aren’t college material are taught valuable trade skills.

Retard Survival Tip:
The homicidal behavior was only exhibited by the nearly 300 pound Dawn Russell character so it’s safe to assume it only effects fat chicks (avoid them at all costs).

At the end of the movie our lone survivor emerges from her abandoned hospital room to here thumping noises. You can tell the camera starts to pan back to reveal the city she is staring at only to abruptly cut to black. It’s pretty obvious the movie was aiming for one of those 28 Days Later city in ruins shots but lacked the budget.

Retard Survival Tip:
If you don’t have the money to film something leave it out (see original Star Wars). When hiring a script writer don’t grab the same lazy idiot who ended the last episode of the Sopranos by clicking the off button in the middle of a scene.

Scientists have long theorized that dinosaurs somehow evolved into modern day birds. This movie finally puts the debate on that and drilling in ANWAR to rest. Specifically crows are most closely related to dinosaurs. These crows have something to do with the TLW disease, have somehow developed an immunity to live in the Arctic tundra. The crows subsist in the frigid temperatures by consuming the numerous human victims of the TLW disease.

Retard Survival Tip:
Bring along a be bee gun, the crows may or may not have anything to do with the disease but by killing them you can ensure that at least your remains aren’t eaten by the flying scavengers.

A giant herd of caribou like dinosaurs with antlers reveals what only a few brave scientists have theorized. This herd appears as wind to the uninfected only to appear and kill their victims once infected by the disease.

Retard Survival Tip:
Take a Bible with you this whole evolution thing is incompatible with the creation theory of God making everything in seven days. The book many not only save your spirit but it might just make these make-believe creatures disappear.

Originally the movie was going to be shot in the grassy forests of Alaska. When ANWAR became more relevant filming was moved further north and one early shot was left in showing the test well much further south in a grassy area.

Retard Survival Tip:
The test well is nothing more than a large refrigerator sized pandora’s box. Covering it with Chernobyl style domes will lock the deadly disease causing gases inside. With the small size of the well an oversized salad bowl or camping tent should do the trick as the well cap is apparently only a few feet high.

Using the STD rating system which accounts for severity of disease, likelyhood of infection, wealth and looks (see Figure-8 below the list) Jessica is the most desirable disease riddled starlet.

Her disease was apparently given to her by Derek Jeter. A former employee of her ex-boyfriend Cash Warren used to go out on runs and refill her Valtrex prescription on a regular basis

Reportedly Kritanna passed the gift that keeps giving it to her boyfriend, Justin Whalin. Her most memorable role was as the female terminator in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Being a converted fashion model the less she speaks the better when acting.

Loken stated in an interview with Curve magazine, "I have dated and have had sex with men and women and have to say that the relationships I have had with certain women have been much more fulfilling, sexually and emotionally, than of those with certain men… I connect with an aura, with energy. And if the person with whom I connect happens to be a female, that’s just the way it is. That’s what makes my wheels turn."

Pamela Anderson is making strong progress in her battle against Hepatitis C – her doctor has declared her fitter and healthier at 40 than she’s ever been in her life. In 2003, Anderson claimed she was not expected to live for more than 10 or 15 years after contracting the disease from ex-husband Tommy Lee – but last October the former Baywatch star announced her determination to defy all odds and cure the virus completely.

Her numbers would be higher, but her looks are on the downhill slope and she can’t rely on her acting skills to pay her phone bill.

Victoria Beckham the former Spice Girl turned freakish alien example of plastic surgery gone too far (ala Michael Jackson) would be the wealthiest on this list if her and her husband didn’t manage money like Fannie Mae. The poster couple for nouveau riche jet sets around the world buying up orchards and reportedly Victoria aka "Poche Spice" sports a seven million dollar ring.

Victoria probably picked up the Herp from one of her husband’s thousand plus groupie count.

Paris neglected to pay off her bills for a storage unit and her belongings were auctioned off. Thanks once again to that storage locker which held more secrets than the chest in Raiders of the Lost Ark, a medical record/prescription info insert emerged for a drug called Valtrex, which is used to treat outbreaks of genital herpes.

The troubled celebutante, sort of actress, sort of singer was formerlly a professional heiress was but written out of the will for her crazy antics. That cost her more than fifty million dollars and at least two spots on this list.

This former child model went on to become a late-teen Disney movie star to wild party girl with not much of an acting future. By all accounts she has given up men and is set to marry Samantha Ronson within a year.

Prior to switching teams Lohan went through more male actors than a catering truck. She has recently taken a break from acting to drive under the influence and get back her girlish figure in rehab centers.

Her career has tapered off since two succesful TV shows (Charmed and Who’s The Boss) and her career is mostly limited to B Movies and the Sci-Fi Channel.

She is sweet, loves sports and visits the troops so with her good looks you could probably put up with the odd flare up.

Britney’s well telivised downward spiral has led her to wake up in more than one strange bed after a drug filled evening of partying. This former member of the Mickey Mouse Club even kissed Madonna on the lips, and that’s roughly equivelent to locking lips with a half dozen Bangkok prostitutes. She has been doucmented buying Zovirax in Kentwood.

The head shaving, well publicised drug problems, losing her children to Kevin Federline and massive weight gain have all taken their toll on her career and more importantly her cash supplies.

Janet Jackson had a list of her perscriptons leaked online. Here is a link from smoking gun with her actual perscription for Zovirax (an antiviral drug, a synthetic nucleoside analogue, that is active against the herpes viruses,)

She has the highest wealth on the list but looks too much like her child fondling brother Michael to score too high on this list. Besides at 42 she is one of the oldest on this list and is prone to massive (Oprah-esque) weight gains.

Katie seems like a nice enough child bride in the happy Scientology family. She would rank higher in wealth, but signed a $40 million dollar prenuptual agreement with Tom Cruise. I think for $40 million I would let the man nearly twice her age slobber all over me and give me herpes.